Pericolo! Morte! A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction
by Corky Riviera
Summary: The Red team doesn't seem to have it all together, but yet they manage through each day at a time. Everyone you love is there, including the Doc and the handy Engineer. Join them in Spectator Mode as they make a mess for the Bloo Team every stinkin' day.
1. Chapter 1

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Introduction

There occasionally comes such a video game that inspires players to be the greater good, to achieve the seemingly impossible and engraves itself into the hearts and memories of the adventurers. Yes, the occasional game that is bold, innovative, and meaningful. Well, I can't guarantee this game actually fits that category, but it's a nice introduction.

Team Fortress 2 is an online, multiplayer shoot-em-up with a 'Pixar' feel. The characters are brightly colored and fairly cartoony in detailed maps, all blowing each other up for mysterious intelligence or point captures. In all, the average a player lasts would be two minutes before he or the rare she turns into body parts.

It's absolutely delicious.

Thanks to my boyfriend and my friend Adam, both of who got me hopelessly addicted and now provide wonderful ideas, some strange things got a-brewin' in my skullspace.

To make things easy, on each team (Red and Bloo) there is one of each different class. However, we shall focus on my homies, the great Reds. Here are short profiles for each character, including a name.

**Redd McGree - Engineer - **This handy man is probably the smartest on the team, trying to keep out of the rest of Red's antics since he is strictly a businessman. His lunches are hand-packed by his wife Betty, who occasionally sneaks a note or extra apple into his lunchbox. He is so skilled at building things that he can whack it a few times and it upgrades. Sweet.

**'Corky' Riviera - **A spy by any other name. He's known for constantly smoking and denying his addiction, sneaking up behind people and having a huge collection of magazine-cut-out masks. He is a snappy dresser and usually calls everyone 'Gentalmen', despite the horrible misspelling. Corky loves nothing more than a good stabbing, but is fairly secretive, even to his team... what is he hiding?

**Hevy Heavy - **Well, actually, you know, we're not sure of his name but he always signs things 'Hevy'. Ol' Heavy loves his gun Sasha, and causing mayhem, and has an obsession about tiny things. His best buddy is undoubtably Herr Doktor, and he likes to pretend he's in charge. He might be. Nobody wants to argue with this dude.

**Derek Turmoil - **A very strict soldier of the highest degree, he is known for giving pointless lectures and making overly complicated battleplans. He has a weakness for kittens, but would never let anyone know about it. Occasionally his fall-to-order makes for some strange demands. He believes everyone on the team is weak and must be worked to death.

**Greg Johnson - **The unbeloved, caffiene-addicted ex-pizza-delivery boy Scout. He is usually sent in ahead as distraction and is thus blown to pieces, but somehow he always shows up again. He's often the subject of abuse from the rest of the team, because nobody likes Scouts. Every time he says 'Bonk' a penguin is hit by a four-wheeler.

**Fluffy Carhill - **Everyone's favorite drunk, black Scottish cyclops. His name really -is- Fluffy, but he might kill you if you mention it. Instead he is called **Big C **to avoid fatalities. As a Demoman, he loves to blow junk up, even if it belongs to somebody. Half of the time, though, he's so drunk that he's as useful as the Scout.

**Pyro - **Everyone needs a good Pyro, so this unknown dude fits perfectly. He apparently has a family, consisting of one Missus Pyro and two kids, and carries their pictures around. When seeing a cow, he promptly sets it alight for steak. Since he's always in a suit, nobody knows what he looks like, how he eats, and cannot understand a word he's saying.

**Dr. Katzenstrand **- Herr Doktor, aka 'Doc'. The medic of the team, heavily German, probably enjoys conducting strange experiments, but maybe not. Since he constantly has to patch up Heavy, he follows the big guy around everywhere and has given the fighter the illusion of best-friendship. He hands out heals to anyone who asks, but if you're on the opposite team you might wind up with needles sticking from your skull.

**Brent Foray - **Finally, the slow-mannered Sniper, who parks himself and pegs off people like sitting ducks. Apparently in his past he wrestled and cooked crocodiles and lived with a band of pygmy marmosets. His favorite thing to do is to complain about everyone else and find quiet places to tuck into. Occasionally he's used to dispense advice.

**That Voice - **Possibly Jesus, but more likely the woman from K-mart. This voice, as far as we know unnamed, is a British woman who demands tea and perfection. At some point it comes into question who she actually is, but everyone's too afraid to disobey her in case she can shoot lightning bolts.

The Bloo Team is unimportant enough to have names. Sometimes, the Bloo Team is a different set of people. All the Red Team cares about is taking their things and keeping them away from their own stuff. Apparently according to The Voice, team Bloo is evil, bad, and full of hate.

A few cameo appearances may come up, and there will no doubt be re-occuring bad jokes. This fanfiction should be read by slightly older people with wicked sarcasm due to language and violence, and possible abuse to signposts.

If you're ready, put on your blast helmet and let us enter our first mission!


	2. Shape Up, Soldier!

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 1: Shape Up, Soldiers!

The sun crested over the country's hills, illuminating the world and bringing forth a brand new day. The birds began to sing and the ever-dutiful rooster crowed, as the cows began out to pasture. People too began to rise, in the country and city, creating huge traffic jams and suicidal maniac drivers; out in the country, it just meant time to pick up the 'coon guns again to keep the neighbor's boy away from yer daughter! But even deeper into the countryside, in a fenced off area, under the warm earth, an alarm clock rang cheerfully. Two seconds later, it was smashed into bits and tossed into a pile of clock-corpses in the corner.

The huge man turned over in his bed, grumbling, snuggling deeper into his Rainbow Unicorn blankets. But despite no matter what he did to silence the alarm, that one man always heard it.

When he heard it, he woke up.

And when he woke up, everyone else did too.

"COMPANY! RISE AND SHINE, UP AND AT 'EM YOU MISERABLE LITTLE MAGGOTS!" The honorable Derek Turmoil charged down the halls and threw all of the doors open so they slammed violently. Of course, the suddenness of it all made most of those in bed shoot straight up, before grudgingly getting ready for the day. There was always a few exceptions, though.

"HEY! WORM!" Derek screamed into the room, where a very long figure continued to doze, feet sticking off the bed. His earphones were playing obnoxiously loud rock music and it was debatable that he didn't actually go to sleep, he passed out from his eardrums rupturing. This angered the determined soldier, who walked in and gently lifted one side of the headphones up.

"Good morning sweeeetie!" He spoke in a cute falsetto, "There's pancakes for you!"

"Oh sweet…" Greg mumbled, "Pancakes with blueberries and-"

"A BUCKET OF MURDEROUS WRATH!"

"JESUS FUCKING BONK!" Greg shot up, and pushed away from the voice so hard he hit the wall, dislodging the shelf above him and causing a shower of model airplanes. "DUDE! That's NOT OK!"

"Silence, you miserable… it is time to rise and get ready for the day! In my time, we never tolerated slackers, no sir, not one bit! We'd dump live weasels into their beds- rabid ones! You're lucky my weasel trap was empty! Now get up and shape up before I…"

"I got it, I got it!"

Derek marched out and gave everyone thirty seconds before screaming, "ROLL CALL! Men, assemble!"

Grumbling, everyone marched out of their rooms and lined up. Usually he wasn't THIS insistant, but some mornings proved to be a little on the tough side. The soldier looked pleased, checking everyone off: Hevy, Greg, the Doc, Big C, An empty space, Brent…

"Ah HAH! Where is Corky? That good for nothing spineless whelp!"

"Excuse me," A strong smell of cigarette smoke wafted into the room, and in the empty space materialized a limber looking man in a perfectly pressed suit, tie… and ski mask? He fiddled with his cuffs and nursed his cancer stick. "I am here, don't sit there and chastise me about it."

"Ah hah, a clever one, aren't you? I HATE people who talk back!"

"Oh well then."

"Now then… Pyro and Redd are LATE again! How dare they hold up an important operation such as this?!? Especially today?!? Today of all days!"

"Argh," Big C growled, "**What's sae important 'at ye hud tae wake me up in a hangowre fur?"**

"Today we have a big mission! And we're going to succeed in this mission! That Voice told me that today was my chance to make you shine, and by god if it takes every last ounce of my being I'll do it! Today, men, we are going to sneak into the enemy base, smash some heads, and retrieve some extremely sensitive war propaganda!"

"Oi…" Brent sneered. He was planning on locking up somewhere upstairs and standing around all day in thought. Well, he could probably still pull it off, but he'd then actually have to pay attention to his surroundings.

"Oooh, property ganders." Hevy grinned, "What it look like?"

"PROPAGANDA you bald half-wit! They are disguised as a very inconspicuous object set, yes, you wouldn't know them to be dangerous until they went off in your hands! But you will know when you see them!"

"You just said," Doc interrupted, "Ve vould not know eet and den…"

"SILENCE!" Derek roared. Everyone went dead quiet as the soldier took a moment to think. "Alright. I think I can handle this. OK everyone, you get fifteen minutes to prepare yourselves and write your wills while I sketch up battle plans! And if those two lazy worms don't get here by then, I'll take it out on you!"

"Dude, dude, no. Bonk."

"SILENCE!"

"Mornin', folks!" In strode Redd from the side door, carrying along a lunchbox. Everyone sneered and rolled their eyes at him, "Uh oh, looks like a hive full of angry hornets here. What's eating y'all?"

"We're waiting on you so we don't get our asses beaten."

"Well, lucky day, here I am! Heh heh!" Redd stopped by the coffee machine just as the door opened a second time, in waltzing the Pyro. "There's ol' rubber suit too. Morning to ya!"

"Mmf mffmn!" The Pyro gave a quick salute to everyone and continued to mutter, "Mff mff mmmf mff mmf MMF!"

"…You don't make no sense!" Hevy whined.

"Mmf mmf… mooo?"

"Oh, you talking about STEAK! Steak is good."

"Mmhmm mmf mffmn!"

"Gonnae-no yer mumblin', in tois seconds Derek will be haur an' he'll gie ye heel if yoo're nae silent!" Big C sipped tenderly on a bottle of booze, " Ah awreddy hae a headache bigger than thes team's combined stupidity..."

"AH HAH!" Derek marched in with a bunch of rolls of paper under one arm, "There you two slackers are! I was about to discharge you from service permanently for not showing up!"

"Well excuse me, pardner," Redd looked serious at the soldier, "Yer not the only important one in these here parts. My sweetheart gets me as long as she needs in the mornin' and no dishonorable discharge will be faulted upon me for that."

"Mmf!" The Pyro nodded, thinking fondly of his honey and kids at home.

"Rrr... I guess so. Well! We have no time to lose, I finished up our battle plans!" Derek unrolled a map on the table and grabbed a ruler to use as a pointer, "OK men, as you all know we are stationed here, and those brutes are in this building over here! Today we are going to slip in behind enemy lines and take their propaganda. No doubt it will be located here, in their main intelligence chamber."

"...how we gonna fit in these rooms, when they're so TINY?" Hevy put his finger over a room, "My finger, it doesn't even fit!"

"Er..." Doc tilted his head, "Dey vill be... much bigger in real life, ja?"

"Oh, excellent!"

"Yes, they contructed it brilliantly! Which leaves us at a disadvantage. While we are gone, there is the possibility they may sneak in here and take our personal belongings! We'll need a-"

"I'd be glad ta stay here n guard the doors... I know what a sacrifice it is, but dinkumly, I don't mind." Brent immediately stood up, "You guys don't have ta worry about a thing. Have fun out there or whatever."

"That man there... he's a hero!" Derek saluted him as Brent left the scene. "So! We're going to sneak in through their waterways! They'll never know what hit them, and when they turn on the bathtub we'll come pouring out and murderize 'em!"

"Uh, dude, that's not possible?" Greg scoffed.

"LISTEN TO THE CAPTAIN MAN HE SPEAKING BIG SPEECH." Hevy hit Greg squarely on the top of the head, probably crushing his skull.

"Thank you! Okay, so we're going to take this route here... one group will go this way and then.. Corky, you sneak in and take out the key players... Greg, you go in and find that propaganda first!"

"Right."

"Well then, I'll be seeing you later, Gentalmen!" Corky utterly vanished and the door opened and closed. Greg charged out afterwards at speeds that would make racecars jealous. The speedy teen shot across the Red team's yards and then reached the doorways to the Bloo base... as soon as the door opened he charged in as fast as he could.

Members of the Bloo Team were shocked when a red streak went by- as soon as they got up to follow, their biggest weapons carrier was abruptly stabbed in the back.

"There's a spy!"

"Where's there a spy?" Corky asked, wearing a cutout mask of a Soldier.

"I'm not sure, there was a spy just a minute..."

"...I think... MUTINY."

"...We're not a ship."

"Oh, my mistake, carry on then."

"Yeah..."

Corky slipped off to check on his friends.

Greg whipped around corners until he finally came into the main control room. All over the walls were computer panels listing off useless information about the weather and how to make your own deck ramp. He skidded to a halt in front of the desk with the infamous overstuffed black chair behind it.

"Where is it, where is it, bonk!" All he could see was a stack of papers, some pens, and then a basket of... "Dude, no way, could this be-"

BLAM! Bloo Demoman grinned evily. "Hahaha!"

"Move out, soldiers! Go go, get into position!"

"Right!" The Heavy blindly obliged. He and the Medic dipped around behind obstacles left and right to avoid fire. For about half an hour, they only moved halfway across their territory outside.

"Er..." Doc stopped a moment, "Vhy are ve doing dees? I mean... dere is no enemy here!"

"Yeah... and I haven't shooted anybody yet." The Heavy whined. "This is like rabbits, back and forth!"

"Vell, at least ve aren't in charge of Big C..."

"Hahaha, drunk man!"

"Indeedy." Corky appeared beside them, "I believe this is what we call shaking off our trail. But at the moment, it seems a little silly, no? But if you stay to your task, good things will happen!"

"Oh, very good!" The Heavy nodded. "Thank you, ghost Corky!"

"Uh... yes. Boooo." He vanished again, taking off.

"Vell, let's keep it up then. Ve can always pretend it's a game, ja?"

"...TAG YER IT DOC!" Heavy gave him a poke and took off, giggling.

"Come back here, you!"

"Whaa... why... why we... there'sh nooooo point to anytheeng..."

"SHAPE UP NOW!"

"Well hell..." Big C hiccupped, "I'll neeeed just a TACH moar... moar... hehehe..."

"Oh for the love of EAGLES and MESS HALLS! This is the worst I've ever seen any soldier! We're doomed... dooooooooomed I tell you!"

"No waaaaaaaai... We're shtill cover'd..."

"Oh yeah??"

"Yeah! I got DEEZ!" He held out a huge amount of bombs.

"Sweet mercy alive in Heaven! That's BRILLIANT!"

"Oh dayumn yeahz."

"This mission IS salvaged! Let's go blow stuff up, soldier!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaey!" The Soldier and Demoman hurried in a back door of the Bloo base. They paused at a corner and peered around, where the Bloo Engineer was busy fixing the local vending machine. Big C pulled back and held back giggles. "I'll blow up his bottoms!"

"Do it, soldier! Do it!"

The black man took careful aim and tossed out a sticky bomb, which caught the back of the Engineer's overalls. The man paused and glanced around, but then went back to work. In a few seconds, there was a fantastic blast, and bodyparts and potato chips rained down.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Derek and Big C collapsed into hysterics on the floor.

"OH GOD, DO IT AGAIN, FOR JUSTICE!"

"AYEEEEE SIR!"

However, this alerted the base, and soon people were coming. Derek grinned, "Oh, this will be even more fun. It's war time, baby!"

The Bloo team came charging, guns firing. Mighty Derek shouting and launching rockets at their heads. Big C happily threw bombs and smashed the fool who got close enough with a bottle. The battle raged for far too long. "Heeey shiiiiirrrr... there's too many of eeem!"

"Damn! This may mean retrea-"

"GRWAGH!" The Bloo Team's main fighter locked up and fell over. Everyone gasped and turned around.

"Herro!" Corky, in a Herro Kitty mask, waved, "I'm your best friend!"

"Aww, what an adorable mascot!"

"I wanna hug it!"

"Yes!" Derek grabbed Big C and snuck off, "Thank you, Corky!"

"Hehehe! Everyone, let's play a game."

"OK!"

"Everyone turn around and close your eyes," Corky fingered his knife in his pocket, "And the more quiet you stay, the bigger surprise!"

"Teeheehee." Hevy was hiding behind a doorway, which didn't hide him well.

"Vere are you my large friend? You can't hide for loooong!" The Doc spotted him behind the door, "I vonder vhere he could be!"

"Nooot here!"

"Oh, really, ja?"

"Nope, not here!"

"Oh my, I guess I'll have to keep all of my candies to meinself!"

"Oh nooo!" Hevy leapt out, "Hevy wants candy!"

"Got you!"

"Ahahaha! Dis Doktor is so smart!" Hevy snapped him up in a hug.

"Ooof!"

"Mmf?" Pyro stepped in and glanced around. He ran over and torched the both of them suddenly, and for a lengthy period. They both yelped and shrieked, but the Pyro only stopped when he was almost out of juice. "Mmummf mmhf!"

"Ouchie!"

"WHY YOU DO DEES?"

"Mff mmh?"

"Moran Pyro!"

Pyro sniffled.

"Oh, he's just checking for spies, ja?"

"Really?"

"Mm hmm."

"Very gut! Vhy don't you vatch dis door vhile we head downstairs?"

"Mmf!" Pyro saluted and hid behind the door, readying himself.

The two others headed downstairs, coming across Greg's leg. The sudden whirr and firing of a turret chased them back around a corner. Hevy growled as the Doc fired up his medigun.

"Stoopid Machine must die!"

"Get 'em!"

"Yaaaaaaaah!"

There was a heavy shower of bullets and the machine was silenced. The two hurried into the desk and looked around. "I see papers!"

"That must be it, ja? Grab it!"

"Let's go, Doc!"

"...THIS ISN'T IT, YOU NUMBNUTS!"

"It isn't?!?" Hevy sniffled. They had met up with Big C and Derek halfway through the building, everyone hiding in the girl's bathroom since nobody would dare walk in to find them.

"NO! You people are useless!"

"But deez papers seem important, so ve thought..." The Doc whined.

"It'sh legal jarrrrgon." Big C was propped against the wall, slurping at a bottle of booze, "Tha only one hearz to read it wouldsh be... be... Reddnesh... durr... where'd he go?"

"I told him to set up defenses at our base!" Derek nodded, "That way Brent isn't alone! That brave, brave man!"

At the base, Brent was asleep in a hammock in the top room of the base. Down below, the Bloo Scout snuck in quickly, glancing around. He slipped into a side door, smirking, then turned to look in the room.

About fifty turrets were facing him with Redd sitting in the middle, eating his lunch. "Hoo! Boy, yer in for it now!"

BLAM BLAM! All that was left were his ankles.

"Hahaha!" Redd bit into an apple, "Oh yeah."

"Anyhow, we need to get back down there and get the real propaganda!"

"Oh well." Hevy got up. "Let's get out of here, it smells like woman!"

"I can hardly breeeeathsh... and I think I'm going bliiiiind..."

"Goddammit, soldier!"

"Mmmf mff!" The Pyro headed out, and everyone shrugged and followed. The suited man hurried around to a nice elevator lobby and hit the button. Everyone watched in excited anticipation.

"3... 2... 1..." They all counted down as the elevator floor opened. A bunch of Bloo Team's members came charging out. They all shrieked and flames, bullets, and shovels were all the rage. Soon the Red Team pushed into the elevator and frantically hit the door close- it snapped shut just in time.

"YES! Safe!" Hevy grinned.

"Mmmf!" Pyro hit the 'Secret Basement' floor button and they went down softly. The door made a ding before it slid open, all of them running to the main intelligence room. "Mmmf?"

"YES! Right here!" Derek ran to the desk, "These are so great! Soooo cute but... er... so propagandaish!"

"...It's a basket of kittens!" Hevy smiled wildly, "I LOVE kittens! They are SOOOOO TINY!"

"So, are they bombs? Vhat do dey do?"

"No time to talk, soldiers! Let's get out of here!"

"Yeaaay, home!"

Eventually, they made it back to base, all cheering and happy. Redd got up and closed his lunch box. "Hey pardners! How'd it go?"

"We got it!" Hevy gave a thumbs up. "Oh, many shooting things!"

"Heh heh! Well, it's my passion." Redd patted a turret. "So! Bring back anything awesome?"

"Paperrsh." Big C threw them at Redd, "Oh bloody... I'm gonna hurl."

"These?" Redd went through them. "This... this is incredible! This is a diagram for-"

"Nothing! They don't matter! Do whatever you want with them!" Derek yelled, "You did good men, now rest, you deserve it! I'm going to plan our next battle, DON'T BOTHER ME!"

He slammed his door to his room... then snuck over to the bed and put down the basket of stuffed kittens. "Why hello kitties! You so cuuuute! What's your names? How about Fluffy, Muffy, and Tuffy? Aww, you're the best kitties ever, yes you are!"

"..." Everyone stared at the door for a long time.

"How strange..." Doc adjusted his glasses. "Say, vhere is Corky?"

"Uh..."

"Well, we did get beaten... but... we still worked together and tried our best. That's all that matters!"

"Yeah, you guys are great!"

"So I believe a Pizza Party is in order!"

"YEAH!" The Bloo team cheered. Corky also cheered, in a Bloo Engineer mask. They passed around the pizza and Corky ate away with the rest of them. "I couldn't ask for better friends than you! Say, after this, anybody want to play a game...?"


	3. Varentines Day

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 2: Varentines Day

Eleven thirty - Neary everyone was tucked into bed after a long day of keeping the base secure. Pyro and Redd had gone home for the night to be with their families and rest, while the others remained at base all snuggled into bed. The last one awake, always, was Dr. Katzenstrand, tidying up his office and cleaning his instruments for the next day. So he wasn't too surprised when he heard someone coming down the hallway, because he was usually the target for consolence when the crew couldn't sleep.

"Hullo Sleepyhead!" He spoke without looking up, completely trusting, "Cannot sleep? Come in quickly and I'll administer something potent!"

"Yo, Doc." Corky walked in, wearing slippers, a blue suit, and his mask. Under his arm was a teddy in a tie and mask; he sat down in a spare chair. "Before you drug me up, I got a real problem."

"And vhat is dat?"

"See, I can't sleep..." Corky mumbled, "Because I start thinking about things... then I go, 'Maybe I should visit the doctor, he'd know what to do!' But then when I think of THAT..."

"Ja?"

"My heart starts going a mile a minute and all I can do... is think of you and how I'd love you in my arms!"

"..." The Doc paused, his glasses nearly falling off.

"What illness has taken ahold of me? Oh..." Corky huggled his teddy close, ignoring the knife it had taken out, "I think the only cure is if you'd... come to have dinner with me on the Valentine's day, eh?"

"...Let me think about i- nein."

"Aw! Don't tell me you have plans?"

"Er, yes, I have a very busy schedule den, sorry!"

"Well, maybe lunch?"

"Nein."

"Tea?"

"NEIN."

"HOW ABOUT A COOKIE?!?" Corky suddenly let out a gurgling gasp and collapsed on the floor, with the mini-knife stuck through his heart. The teddy smiled innocently.

"Oh, vell, DAT took care of itself." The Doc closed up the office for the night and went to bed.

The next morning was the usual, with Derek forcing everyone awake but this time not insisting they trample out in thirty seconds. The calendar on the wall displayed a beautiful young woman on the beach with a dirty needle stuck in her foot, and on it February 14th was highlighted in red. It was only two days away!

"Hmm..." Hevy looked at the clock, then at the door in anticipation. "When does hard-hatted friend come in?"

"Oh, he n Pyro will be here in ten minutes, tops. What's got ya wondering?" Brent munched away on his cereal.

"Er... just gotta ask the smart man questions!"

"Ah... I wouldn't trust any thinking ta ya myself, so it's a bonza idea."

"Can I get some coffee?" Greg whined.

"NO!" Everyone in the base shouted, even That Voice from above.

"Oh c'mon... just half a cup? I even brought my own mug!"

"NO!"

"God damn it, Greg, dae Ah hae tae remin' ye th' stoaner way yoo're banned frae caffeine?!?" Big C got up, cracking his knuckles, "Come haur an' i'll gie ye a stern lesson in th' meanin' ay nae!"

"N-nevermind! I don't need any coffee, I guess, BONK!" Greg leapt out of the way as Big C lunged at him, then ran off screaming.

"Ahahahaha! God, whit a fud."

"Hehehe!" Hevy laughed, then waited patiently. Soon enough, the door opened and in stepped Redd and Pyro, both with very different lunchboxes. "Hello my friends!"

"Well hey there, pardner, good morning to y'all!" Redd nodded, setting his lunchbox in his locker. "You look like yer in need of something. Good thing I came to fix that! What's up?"

"Well..." Hevy looked around, then snuck down the hall, waving Redd over. Hevy pulled out a handmade, cardboard heart that had cute lace and crayon drawings all over it. "I need to spell it right for my friend!"

"Ah hah!" Redd nodded, "Well, why don't we get a couple of crayons and set this to rights?"

"Yay!" Hevy took off, and came back with a box.

"OK, we'll do this one step at a time! What will you have it say?"

"Well, it's gotta be nice, so I was thinking..."

"While I realize everyone is in a festive mood," That Voice chimed down at everyone after the morning had wound down, "It does not excuse us from our mission. Today's is of deadly importance and you must be at top performance."

Everyone nodded blindly at the ceiling.

"We will... have a day off on the holiday, however."

"YAY!" Everyone cheered.

"Me and the Missus planned a nice evening, good!" Redd smiled, dreaming of his Sugar.

"Mmmf mff mff!" Pyro waved his arms about.

"Huh?"

"Mmmf mff... mooo mff mff!"

"Oh, taking your family out for steak? That's sweet!"

"Mmmhmmf!"

"Hehe..." Hevy grinned, "I got a valentine to give!"

"Bah, all that's rubbish ta me." Brent mumbled. "I'm going ta just take time ta Veg out... though if I did come across a pretty shelia, I don't know..."

"Aam sae single an' aloyn... och god, aam nae gonnae hae anybody fur Valentine's day!" Big C began to cry, " Who'd loove a chocolate Scottie cycloptic drunkard? Waaah!"

"Mm mm." Pyro patted his shoulder, "Mm mmf, mmfmff mmmnmn mffm!"

"Yeah, you'll find somebody, dude," Greg kept his distance, "Just... just, er... maybe today is your lucky day and you'll meet the BONK of your life."

" Mmm, mebbe yoo're oan tae somethin', laddie."

"I hope Big C find good valentine!"

"Yeah..." Big C grinned, "Yeah! Today'll be th' day! Cheers, laddies!"

"The Mission will begin in three... two..."

Everyone took off as soon as the gates opened, Greg tearing into the Bloo's building as fast as he could and Corky exploiting the backdoors. The rest of the team (sans Brent, who, again, was 'stationed' back at the base) charged headlong towards the building. The Bloo team saw them coming and prepared themselves, shouting commands to one another from all levels. Red came pounding like a charging elephant to the doors, everyone shouting! Bloo Team braced itself and prepared to give it's enemy the greeting it deserved!

"...You guys made it!" Bloo Engy shouted, "We were gettin' dang worried you might not show for the cookoff!"

"We always show for food!" Hevy shouted, everyone cheering along with him.

"Well then, come on in! We've got the supplies, and this will settle once and for all which team has better cuisine!"

"Yaaaaah!" Everyone charged in, cheering. Except for one soul in his hazmat suit. Pyro watched them run off, looking up at the Bloo team's Pyro who also stayed behind. For a long time there was silence, a butterfly flitting between the two.

"Mmmf mmf?"

"Mmmmf!" Bloo Pyro jumped up and down, "Moooo!"

"MOOOO!" Pyro jumped up and down himself, then he pulled out his axe. Bloo Pyro did the same. "Mmmmhmm? Mmf... mmf... GO!"

They both took off, on the prowl for beef. Meanwhile, the rest of the team had finally settled into the kitchen studio, everyone at nice tables with white cloths and vases of flowers upon them. The silverwear glittered prettily.

"Why do Bloo team have cool dining room and we only got nasty cafeteria?"

"Vell, er..." Doc hesitated. He didn't want to admit he spent all the funds for improvement on a machine that made scientific sounding noises and told fortunes. "... dey are sissies, of course! Dey go, 'Oh no, look at us, ve need frilly stuff to eat vith because ve are GURLS!'"

"Ah HAH!" Hevy suddenly knocked the table free of it's dressings, "Then we eat with our hands like MEN!"

"Och..."

"Dude, dude, sssh! It's starting!"

Lights came on and a drumroll played. Everyone waited in anticipation as Bloo Voice announced, "Gentalmen and Magets... welcome to... the annual... Varentine's Day Romantic Cookoff!"

Everyone cheered and applauded.

"Now presenting our chefs... in the Bloo corner, the master of lean but great cuisine, impeccably detailed and always delicious, Jones the Spy!" Jones came out to a great deal of cheers, in a white and crisp uniform. He took a bow, facing the audience.

"Next, in the Red corner... He's battled long and hard each holiday, and has come out on top several times in the dessert category... Everyone's favorite grouse grouch, Corky!"

"YEAY!" Big C shouted, taking a swig of the wine bottle he swiped.

"Gentalmen!" He bowed politely, wearing a checkerboard apron with lace frills and oven mitts that looked like cats, along with a delightfully poofy hat. The Bloo Team laughed in ridicule. "Silence! This outfit was given to me by my mommy!"

Everyone laughed harder.

"Oooh, I hope you all boil your bottoms."

"Today's secret ingredient was shipped in at great cost to both teams... it will be an epic battle that demands creativity and flexibility! Our secret ingredient is..." A platform rose up shakily covered in boxes, "PEANUT BUTTER RITZ BITS!"

Everyone gasped.

"Oh what in the name of..." Corky sighed.

"Er... right."

"START!" Both sides grabbed them up and began cooking.

" Guid day... guid day... somebody ower thaur... gie me anither wee bevvy, eh?" Big C drawled, his bottle empty. His eye fixed on a hazy (to him) figure standing at another table. "Hay... ye thaur, fetch me a bevvy!"

"Why sure."

Big C gasped. The figure strode toward him smoothly, as if riding a soft wave onto shore. The curves of the hips and body were highlighted in the glow of the candles around; brown hair, silky and in a short, but teasing boyish cut bounced with each step. The enchanting figure set the bottle down on the table in front of him. "Will this do?"

"Och... goodness. Ah hink Ah need tae change mah keks."

The goddess giggled cutely. "You're funny! Mind if I sit here?"

"Nae at aw, noit at aaaallll." Big C grinned drunkly, drooling.

Meanwhile, the smell of a barbeque drifted about outside the bases. Both Bloo and Red Pyro were sitting happily on the ground, waiting for their impromptu judge to decide which one's meal was better.

" Hmm, both are tender 'n' juicy..." Brent finished his last bite off, "I love the texture, 'n' the richness... I'm afraid, fellas, I have to call it a tie."

Both Pyros cheered, and shook each other's hands in congratulations. They then thanked Brent profusely.

" Ah, no worries, whenever you need a judge on a barbie, you know who to call!" Brent tipped his hat. "We still have a full day, how about a dessert contest?"

The pyromaniacs took off in glee.

"Three... two... one... the cooking is done!" The Bloo Voice announced, and everyone shrieked in joy. It had been a close battle, and both Spies were glad it was done. Now, it was time to present their dishes. As per tradition, the home spy Jones went first.

"My first dish is a delightful, lightly tossed Romaine salad garnished with the Ritz Bitz and vinegar dressing with a touch of parmesian." The judges munched away and nodded at each other. "The main dish is a tenderly cooked suckling piglet with Ritz stuffing, tomatoes on the side for presentation."

Everyone gagged upon sampling that. Jones began to sweat. "Er, then we have dessert! A delicious raspberry sparkling gelatin with suspended Ritz Bitz and topped with whipped cream."

"WELL." Derek yelled, finishing off his, "The salad was passable but the pig was the most disgusting thing I have ever put in my mouth! Did you even try to cook it evenly you maggot?!?"

"Er... I-"

"There's no excuse for this! You FAIL! MISERABLY!"

"Ja," Bloo's Doktor sneered, "Dis is horrid!"

"Boohoo!" Jones sobbed.

"Next is our challenger Corky's dishes. How will he compare?!?"

"Well Gentalmen!" Corky took a long drag on a cigarette, "I decided to keep things simple this year. The appetizer is lightly breaded mozerella-and-Ritz sticks with a marinara sauce."

The judges oohed and aahed, all happily eating away.

"The main course is a Ritz glazed ham," Corky sprinkled the ash into Greg's hair, who was sitting beside him and let out an 'ow', "With a slight peppery garnish, as not to offend my lover's tender tastes. For dessert, we have a peanut butter Ritz silk pie. French, of course."

"Oooh, dis is the best digusting thing I've ever eaten, ja?" Bloo Doktor grinned, "And I eat sauerkraut vith chocolate sauce!"

"This... This..." Derek hung his head... "IS THE BEST VALENTINE'S MEAL EVER. My god, you deserve a medal!"

"You mean it?!?" Corky clapsed his hands together, batting his eyelashes.

"Absolutely! God!"

"We have a winner!" Bloo Voice announced, "Corky of the Red Team!"

Corky gasped and blushed as the audience tossed him roses. "Oh, you are too kind. Far, far too kind!"

"Woohoo!" Big C cheered, falling out of his chair.

"You silly goose," His lady laughed tenderly and pulled him upright. "Say, you busy tomorrow? I could stop by for Valentine's."

"Och, nae at aw, lass! 'main 'en ower, we'll make a guid time ay it!" He grinned wide, "I'll gie th' finest in drinks! come in somethin' braw! i'll e'en wash mah coopon fur ye!"

"Teehee! Alright... I'll be there by eight. You sleep well." She winked and took off. Big C just grinned, being carried out by his team.

The next day, it was the fourteenth! Yes, the holiday of Lurve was finally here. Hevy was the first to dig out his box of valentines he had made special, sorting through them and grinning. He then tiptoed out and knocked lightly on Dr. Katzenstrand's office door.

"Come in!" He called, writing away on a clipboard.

"Good morning Doktor!" Hevy came in with his hands around his back. "You are busy even on holiday?"

"Always! Vhat do you need?"

"Well..." He grinned, "This Holiday is suppose to be for love, but Hevy has no woman yet. So maybe, better to give to friends so they know how much I appreciate them!"

"Ahh, a brilliant idea!"

"So... dis is for you, Doktor!" He held out the Valentine happily. "I made it!"

"Aww!" Doc took it and read it. "'Danke for being my best friend, signed Hevy.' Dat's vunderbar, danke, danke!"

Hevy gasped, and beamed with pride as his Doktor hung it up right behing his desk. The Doc then nodded, "Dere, now everyone vill see it vhen dey come in, yes?"

"YAY! I LOVE DIS DOKTOR." Hevy snapped him up in a hug.

"Ooof!"

Corky uncloaked himself out in the hall and let out a deep sigh. "Corky, this is pointless! Why do you torment yourself with an unrequited love? I have nobody for Valentine's... I'm just a washout."

"HEY!" Derek peered out of his room, "Do I hear whining among the ranks?!? There will be no bellyaching while I'm in charge, do you hear me?!?"

"Uh, yes sir!" Corky shaped up and saluted. Then he paused and asked almost sheepishly, "Say... you... have any plans for dinner? Anything?"

"Not at all, sir!"

"Would you... like me to make you another Valentine's meal?"

"..." Derek thought for a moment. "Get in here!"

"Heh!" Corky grinned, his day looking up. He walked in, fiddling with his cuffs. "I have a killer turtle cheesecake that will knock your socks off."

Things remained happy and festive for the rest of the day, but Big C was nervous. He had washed his hands and face and put on a clean eyepatch, and was constantly pacing and watching the clock. Of course, when he was nervous, or had any emotion at all, he took to drinking.

"Hey, mate." Brent passed by in a tuxedo, with a woman wrapped around his arm, "...you OK?"

"Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeshur." Big C leaned against a wall, " Jist waitin' fur mah filly!"

"Right..." Brent whispered something to the woman, who giggled. "Well, Me 'n' Ophelia are heading out for dinner now. You take care, 'n' don't puke on the chick, eh?"

" Hae a guid... a guid... och heel. Whaur am Ah?" Big C shook his head. " It's almost aicht! She'll be haur!"

Then, right on time, a knock came on the door. Big C squealed like a girl and opened the door, trying to say something intelligent. When he saw the fuzzy outline of his goddess, he slurred, "Whazzzzzzzzzupsh?"

"Oh you!" She giggled happily, "You look great! Well, why don't we find you a place to sit?"

"Aye..."

Meanwhile Greg sat, alone, grumbling in his room. "This is fucking ridiculous. Who cares about this dumb holiday anyway? I could have gotten a date if I wanted."

"I doubt it." That Voice drawled.

"Shut up! Man..."

"This is all your fault in some unexplainable, yet tangible way."

"I said shut up! Well..." Greg grumbled. "I still got time, I could go out and - SERVE THE QUEEEEEEEEEN."

He rose to his feet suddenly and stumbled out, drooling.

In the morning, Big C groaned and turned over in his bed. " Och jobby, mah heed... it's filled wi' woodpeckers ay rage an' fury..."

His lips curled into a smile at the sight of his maiden still in the bed, facing away from him. Her soft skin was faintly flecked with freckles all over, and her hair looked so soft...

"Hehe... hey..." Big C gently stroked the side of her face, "Time tae wake up, hen! Lit me gie a braw swatch at ye!"

"Hehe..." The figure turned over. The Scout, covered in a horrible breakout of acne, grinned crookedly, "Man, that was the best Valentine's ever!"

"OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

And so, explosions rocked the base the day after Valentine's.


	4. Pyroday

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 3: Pyroday

Today was an odd day. When Pyro came to the base, he greeted everyone as normal, stepping in with Redd. As usual they all went about their business, so Pyro headed to his locker and put his lunchbox away. He paused and gazed over a picture of his family, with Missus in pearls, and Junior and Pyrette sitting, for once, still for the picture. He smiled under his mask and closed the door, then walked out to the room. That's when he found he had been left, again, grumbling.

"Mmmf mm mffmm." He complained as he walked down the hall, pausing to look around. Oddly, he couldn't find anybody, so he took a ladder up to Brent's perch. Predictably, he found the Aussie snoozing away in an upright position with his gun out. Pyro carefully tapped him on the shoulder.

"What?" He mumbled, yawning, "Oh hey, Pyro. What are you doing up here?"

"Mmmfmmn?"

"Uh..." Brent scratched his head. "Oh, wondering where everyone got to, eh?"

He nodded.

"They're all out, it's shopping day. Resupplying. We got the whole place to ourselves."

"!"

"Why don't ya take some time and enjoy yourself? I'll be up here if ya need anything. "Have a bonza time, 'n' don't smoko anything."

"Woohoo!" He slid back down the ladder.

"Brilliant." The sniper yawned. "I need the rest after that dinner, I didn't expect that croc to come out of the soup."

The first thing he did was run into the main room and glanced around. On a table sat the coffee machine with the sign "No Scouts Allowed" hanging above it. Pyro glanced around for Scouts, and found none, then wondered exactly -why- Scouts weren't allowed coffee. He couldn't recall having seen one drink any, so he picked up the carafe and jogged off outside.

Across the field littered with haphazard wooden buildings he ran, finally winding up at the Bloo Team's front door. He knocked with one hand and waited as the door opened.

"Bonk?" Bloo Scout stuck his head out, "Oh, hello, how can I help you?"

Pyro held out the coffee pot like it was a Christmas present, "Mmf mmm!"

"For me?!? COFFEEEEEE!" The Scout grabbed it and guzzled it down. "Damn man, I haven't had coffee for ages, this is sweetcanfeelcaffienebuildingupBOOOOONK."

Pyro ducked as Bloo Scout leapt out over his head and began running around in circles outside, yelling and whooping. Deciding it looked fun, Pyro joined in, hooting and hollering and bouncing around. Bloo Scout, in an uncontrolled fit, shouted, "WannaplaytagbonkbonkbonkyoureitEEEEEE!"

When the Scout tore off, it nearly left flames behind. Pyro trailed along as best he could, the Scout occasionally taunting him with gestures and faces. Finally Pyro chased the teen into the railway station, panting. Bloo Scout laughed, "Nyahnyah too slow never catch me LOL LOL ROFL BONK BONK-"

HOOOOOOOOOOONK HOOONK... SLAM! The train shot past, and all that was left afterwards was Bloo Scout's ankles. Pyro stared a moment, then burst out into hysterical laughter and pointed at the feets. After this laugh, though, Pyro again found himself unoccupied. Time for another game.

He crept back into the base, humming dramatic music as he slipped around the corners. Yeah, he was more smooth and secret than the Spies anyday. He slid up beside the lockers, which all had names upon them. These were all locked, and of course, he wasn't suppose to get in them. For a second, he pulled out his axe and drew back for a swing... but the damage would be too obvious. Another pause. Pyro climbed back up to Brent's perch, where the Aussie was again asleep.

"Mmmhmmf!"

"Z z z... Crikey."

"Mmmhmph!" Pyro walked over and got close to his ear, and then shouted, "HURRRRRROOOOOOOOO?!?"

"GAAAAAAAH!" Brent pulled the trigger on his gun and let off a shot, and just perfectly hit the Bloo's mailman as he turned away from the door. "... Well hot damn."

"Mmmf mmmnhm mmhmm!" Pyro complained.

"You know, I can't understand a bloody thing when you yarn through that mask!" Brent reloaded quietly, "Make yourself clear, mate."

Pyro drew what looked like a rectangle in the air, and then pretended to pull on an invisible handle. He fought with it and then grew a look of sheer defeat. Finally, he finished up with an unlocking motion and a puzzled look.

"The lockers are stuck again? Blooming hell!" Brent fished out his keys, " Alright, but give it back as soon as you're done, eh?"

"Mmmhmm!" Pyro took them and slid back down the ladder. Letting off a maniacal laugh, he shoved the master key into a locker - Fluffy's, er, Big C's- and opened it. He ran away in panic as the door burst open and bottles came flying out everywhere, including alot of pilfered underwear from clotheslines and eyepatches. When the chaos ended, Pyro stared at the bottles.

"Hmm."

Knock knock!

"Hallo?" Bloo Doktor looked around, finding nobody at the door. He stepped out, "Vas dat de mailman, perhaps?"

"MMMMFMFFFFFFFMN!" Pyro suddenly came up from behind, wearing an eyepatch, and smashed the bottle over the Doktor's head. Of course, the medicine man went down, and Pyro cheered in delight.

"Doktor?!?" Bloo Heavy came down the hall, "Are you OK?"

"Mmmftmn!" Pyro panicked and snuck away, forced to listen to Bloo Heavy discover and scream about his Doktor. When the coast was clear, Pyro let out a sigh and wondered what was next.

He waltzed back into HQ and pulled off the eyepatch and tossed it aside. The keys jangled as he headed for the office of their doctor, and tugged on the handle. Predictably, it was locked, but finding the key was no issue. Pyro skipped in and looked around.

This place obviously saw alot of cash flow, because it was the only place where the objects were new and really clean. The examination table gleamed in the dim light, and the office looked perfectly neat. As he gazed about, his eyes fell upon the back wall. There hung the valentine from Hevy, and several official looking documents that certified Doktor as able to stick needles up people's asses. With a happy hum, Pyro put his torch down and dug around in a closet.

Soon he was in a white labcoat with a breathing mask over his normal mask, and had pulled out plenty of shiny tools. He had even recruited a patient- Corky's spybear, who was lying on the table.

"Mmmfmmf!" He spoke to himself, wiggling his fingers as he chose a needle, "Mmm mmfmph!"

He imitated the Doktor pretty well- drugged up the patient, cut it to pieces, and looked at things intensely. There were no innards in the bear, so it was hard to compare it with the colored diagrams on the wall. Nor was there any blood to control, which was, he imagined, half of the fun. Scrambling to the cafeteria, he grabbed some red jell-o and ketchup and promptly gave the bear innards. For about an hour he played around, before sewing up the bear and congratulating himself on such a success. Carefully he washed the tools, then brought the bear to a bed and tucked it in.

It was beginning to reach the end of the day, but still, nobody was back. So he decided to look through the other lockers. He happened across Hevy's first, and found, of all things, Sasha carefully placed in, wrapped up in blankets. Better judgement took over, so he carefully closed the door again and left it undisturbed. Next he opened Derek's, finding a numerous amount of kitten pictures and weapons. While this was enticing, it was sure that he'd notice and skin poor Pyro alive. So he tried Corky's next.

Inside were all sorts of neat spy gear, including a large collection of cigarettes and masks. Pyro put on an Engineer mask and did a quick dance fitting of a hoedown. "Yeehaw, mmfmmf! Hehehehe!"

This prompted him to dig out a wrench from Redd's locker and pull out a turret. He hauled it all the way to the door of the Bloo Team and set it up, giving it a good whacking until it was in working order. He pounded on the door, then ducked behind a rock.

"Thank god for modern medicine, bonk, or I couldn't answer the do-" Newly ressurrected Bloo Scout looked down the barrel of the turret, "Shit."

Pyro collapsed in laughter as it blew him to pieces. He ran back to examine more masks, and put on a Spy one and pulled out a cigarette. He posed smartly in the mirror in the locker, then made stabbing motions with one hand. With a giggle, he lit the cigarette with his torch, but found afterwards there was nothing left of it. The clock then chimed- looking up, he found it was time to go home. Simply leaving the mask behind, Pyro went up the ladder and handed the keys to Brent, who was finally awake for once.

"Oh, thanks." Brent took them and tucked them away. "Time to go home, right? Have a bonza night."

"Mm hmmf!" Pyro waved and slid back down the ladder. He pulled his lunchbox out of the locker and headed out the back door. He hummed gaily, pausing to watch the rest of the team come back. He waved, and ran over excitedly.

"Oh, hello Pyro!" Hevy was carrying about fifty bags, "Sorry for leaving!""Mmfmmn." He shrugged a shoulder.

"Ah, good," Corky blew out a ring of smoke, "We were hoping you'd be OK with it. As such, I do believe we got you some presents."

"!" Pyro jumped up and down eagerly as they handed him a bag, everyone stifling snickers. Pyro pulled out a bright toy package and read the front. Upon it was a doll, and it contained a glittery play cellphone- the blister pack read 'Benign Girl' and instructed him to, quote, 'Beautiful girl, press any button!' As he stared at it in silence everyone burst into laughter.

"Yeah, it looked like it would fit you perfect, bonk!" Greg snorted, "You have fun with that! Haha!"

The team left Pyro in silence as they walked back to base. Pyro watched them for a moment, then looked back at the package. He pulled it open and looked at the buttons, and had a great idea: why not call his wifey and say Mmf? He dialed in the number, but was only greeted by ripped-off music. Pyro grew angry, tossed it down, and then chopped it to bits with his axe. He flamed the rest of the bag with his torch and stormed off home.

As he walked to his house in the city, he paused, looking in a storefront. He remembered he needed some groceries, and simply strolled in and purchased things, to the dismay of other customers. He walked to his house and opened the door.

"Mmmmfmm!"

"Mmmh!" Missus came in the room and gasped delightedly, taking the bag. Pyrette and Junior came running from downstairs and hugged their daddy and talked about everything that happened. The family retired soon to dinner, and then watched a very bad movie on TV.

The next morning he headed to base as usual, meeting up at the door with Redd and giving the usual hello. When he walked in the door, he was suddenly being glared at by several people, and whimpered, "Hurro?"

"You vere in my office!" Doc scolded, "You left such a mess of things!"

" Ye... mah bottles! Aw ower th' place! I've ne'er seen a mair unpleasant secht." Big C growled, "Ur ye bapit, cheil??"

"My Spybear was filled with ketchup and gelatin dessert! It's absolutely ruined!" Corky sputtered, "And you left my masks everywhere! For shame!"

"Ah hink he needs a lesson in stayin' it ay uir things!"

Pyro gasped as they closed in. Then, he simply remembered the lame-ass gifts they had given him.

The smell of roasted flesh wafted through the base, Pyro laughing like a maniac. Brent sat up in his perch, sipping on a beer. "Oh lord... this is why I love this place."


	5. Old McGregor Had a Farm

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Foodtress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 4: Old McGregor Had a Farm...

"Today is the day of a very important mission." That Voice drawled on as if she could use five more hours of sleep, and possibly a few cigarettes, "I hope you all are paying the utmost attention because I'm only explaining this once."

"Yes Ma'am!" The crew all looked at a light fixture, the only thing at the moment to tie her to. It made them all squint and have a bad headache, but, it was better than staring, say, at the toilets.

"According to new rules and regulations, we are now required to educate you about things other than battle. Pishposh I say. Anyhow. Today, you are all going on a carefully planned field-trip. There will be no violence today."

Everyone groaned.

"Silence, you whelps! This event took alot of arranging! You do realize that's why Redd isn't here, right??"

"...Redd's not here?" Hevy looked around. "OH NO ENGYNEER-NAPPING! CODE MAUVE!"

"BONK! Not code mauve!!"

"Oh mein Gott!"

"Bloody hell! Mauve!"

"Ack, that's a gantin' colur!"

"Mercy alive! Our soldier is a POW?!?"

"Mffmhmhm!!!"

"SHUT UP!" That Voice screamed, shattering the lightbulb. "NO! He's right outside, waiting for you all! Today, you are visiting the farm! Now get out of here so I can rest. Goddamn, save the queen and bloody HELL."

"Oh YAY!" Hevy cheered, "Farms are fun!"

"Farms! Let me tell you all a thing or two about farms!" Derek stepped out in front of everyone, "Farms were invented by people who had a craving for burgers and kittens in vast numbers! Yes, they were arranged to hang in harmony with the art of war- CHICKENS, soldiers, the chickens are key! Each chicken is vital in the farm's success, and so are each stalk of corn, and every god damn MOO COW!"

"MOOOOO!" Pyro shouted in pure delight!

"Let's hurry so you maggots can learn a lesson in agriculture and the fine balance of nature! Where in the name of God has Corky gotten to?!? He has to come with as well!"

Everyone looked around blindly for a moment, then realized that was futile. So they all began shouting "Medic!" Doc nearly went crazy, so they finally shouted "Spy!" Pyro then torched them all, so they fell upon whimpering, "Corky!"

"So you see my predicament..." Corky let out a dramatic sigh, sitting in the Bloo Doktor's office with a Heavy mask on. "I... LOVE dis Doktor more than words can describe."

"Vell... if you only had asked sooner, my huge friend..." Bloo Doktor grinned and started to undo his labcoat, "Ve could have started zee procedures..."

"Ehehe!" Corky froze as his cellphone suddenly went off.

"Hmm?"

"Er... exqueeze me." Corky slipped out and opened the phone. "WHAT?!? I am in the middle of an important seizure!"

The phone was a mass of screaming and yelling from the impatient Red snapped the phone shut and growled, glancing back into the Doktor's office. He let out a sigh, then ditched the mask and ran back to HQ. "What the hell do you all want?"

"FIELD TRIP YAEY!"

"I would like to stay if-"

"C'MON!" Hevy tucked Corky under one arm and marched out back. "Loud man says there's CHICKENS!"

"Oh, great." Corky would have gotten his knife if he could reach it. SO close. SOOOOOO CLOSE.

"Howdy!" Redd was waiting for them outside of his pickup truck. "You all set to head out?"

"Yeah! I can't wait to get out into the country, do some running, bonk!" Greg leapt into the back of the truck, bouncing around. "C'mon c'mon let's go already!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro scrambled into the front seat and locked the door, ensuring nobody else could sit there. He barely peeked out of the window and giggled evily. Everyone else piled into the back, and they taped Greg down to ensure he didn't jump off while they were driving. Redd got in and fired it up, and soon the crew was heading down the dusty road to Redd's house.

"There better be barncats!" Derek yelled into the cab, "Orange stripey ones!"

"Yer in luck! We had a batch just a week or so ago!"

"OMFGYEY." Derek sat back down, contented.

"Moo?"

"Of course we got cows! What kinda farm would it be without 'em, huh?"

"Mmmf!"

Everyone was excited as they pulled up into the driveway of the farm. It was perfect- a big red barnhouse, chickens scratching about, a cute house, and multiple other animals. Heavy machinery was parked near the fields, and ducks swam in the little pond in the front. As soon as they stopped, they hopped out and gazed about in awe.

"Heh! Here we are, my little slice of heaven." Redd walked out and admired his property, "Yes, it would be only better if we could keep the coons away. Now then! I think... Honey!"

Betty, Redd's wife, came out from inside with a basket of clean clothes. "Yoohoo! Oh, and welcome boys! Glad ta have y'all visit!"

"Oh boy, it's Missus McGregor!" Greg was still taped down, struggling to free himself, "Thanks for sending us cookies, bonk! It's the only treat I ever get since my mom stopped writing me!"

"Ah, it's a pleasure! I love bakin' things for you boys. Now, you all have a good time, and when y'all get hungry, I got sandwiches and lemonaide inside!"

"YAY!" Everyone cheered.

"Heh! Now then! We need to lay down some ground rules! No harassin' the animals, destroying my things, and it might be nice if you all stayed togeth- hey! Wait a minute!"

"Ah wonder if they make moonshine it haur! heh!" Big C grinned evily as he took off, "Aiblins Ah can wrangle puckle sheep."

"Mmmf!" Pyro took off in the direction of the cows.

"Let's go see the ducks, Doc!"

"Very gut, ja!"

"If you excuse me," Corky adjusted his tie, "I am going to indulge in a little lemonaide."

As he vanished, Derek started to scout for kittens. Redd was only left with Brent, who both stared at each other for the longest time. Finally, the sniper shifted a bit, "You don't have a hammock nearby, mate?"

"Oh, absolutely." Redd led him back, and then tried to keep an eye on people.

"Here Kitty Kitty Kitty!" Derek began looking high and low, "Where are you, little furry ones?"

"Mew!" A chorus of matching calls came up from the corner of the barn, ontop of a pile of hay. Various colored kittens poked their heads up and looked at him, and were suddenly caught up in his arms. They all purred and rubbed against him happily.

"Oh my god, I just LOVE kittens!" Derek set them all out, "OK men, line up so I can get a good look at you!"

The kittens all mewled and rolled around.

"Aww gee... I mean it! Get into order, company!"

Surprisingly, all the cats sat in a row and looked at him.

"Since I can't very well understand your language, you will now be given codenames! Starting from the right, we now have... Gray Puss! Patches! Chubby! Scarlet! Cornbread! And Hayley!"

"Mew!" They all called back.

"Brilliance!" Derek was mightily pleased, "Let me welcome you into the service! I am your commander, Derek Turmoil, and let me tell you a story about myself and how the service came to be! It was a dark and grey day..."

"Moo." The cows lulled, chewing on the grass in the pasture. They were all pleasantly white and black, the spots all different on each one. A few calves stuck close to their mothers. All the cows looked up as the hazmat-suited man came to the fence.

"Moooo." He drawled.

"Mooooo..." A cow muttered back.

". . ." Pyro watched them for a moment, then clicked the trigger of his torch. ". . . mooooo."

He leapt over the fence and promptly let off a blast of flame. All of the cows took off, and he chased after, laughing deeply.

"Ducks." Hevy sat at the edge of the pond, watching the family of waterfowl swim about.

"Ja." Doc nodded.

"...how do they float?"

"Hollow bones and air trapped in de feathers."

"I want to float!"

"Er... find an innertube?"

"They're all so TINY! I try to sit in em and they sink!" Hevy whimpered. The ducks started to come ashore. "Eee! Eee! Look, Doktor!"

"Ah! Hold still and mebbe dey vill visit you!"

"Eee!" Hevy held as still as he could, and the ducks all came to investigate, poking around him and such, looking for munchies. "I love deez duckies!"

"I think dey are hungry!"

"Oh!" He dug around in his pocket and pulled out crackers stolen from a salad bar, and tore them out of their packaging. He then held out his hands and the ducks nibbled away at it, and the huge man did all he could from bursting out into laughter.

"Ah hah, see!" Doc grinned, "Now, dey have a friend."

"YAY." Soon all the crackers were gone. "Sorry, no more."

The ducks all quacked at him, and he got up, picking up the Doc. As he turned to go look at other things, the ducks followed. "Hey! They're followin' us."

"Ducks sometimes do dat! I vonder if ve take a valk, dey'll follow?"

"YAY! This way, duckies!"

"Guid day, border collie, hink yoo're sae toogh, eh?" Fluffy stared down at a border collie who was protecting her sheep. Fluffy laughed in her face, "Ye probably cannae e'en keep a wee spyug awa', can ye? Och, swatch at th' silly doggie, sae toogh an' scary an' dandy! Ahahaha!"

"RUFFRUFF GRRR!" The collie made a sudden movement, making Fluffy leap back.

"Sae that's hoo ye play it! Weel, tois can play at 'at gam!"

The dog growled, determined to protect her flock.

"Haur Ah come! Better write yer lest wishes noo, pup!"

"What in the name of Mary are y'all up to?" Redd came over, making Fluffy flinch. "Are... y'all shouting at my dog?"

" Er, it was threatenin' me! It's illegal tae keep a violent dug, ye ken?"

"Muffy? Hah!" Redd scratched behind her ears and the dog melted onto it's back, tail wagging. "She's gentler than a spring dawn, I reckon. She only gets angry when one goes for the sheep."

"Ah swear she... it.. gah." Fluffy sniffed. "Mmm! What's cookin'? Smells delicioos!"

"Yeah, I was wonderin' about that, smells kinda like... steak?" Realization hit Redd. "Oh HELL, my cattle!"

" Ye lit 'at maniac near th' cows? Aahahaha!"

"Shut up and c'mon! I'm gonna need someone to manage the hose!"

"PEEPERS!" Hevy screamed into a chick pen, all the chicks panicking and running into a corner, shaking for dear life. Without asking the Doc first, he stormed right in and picked them all up. Even as they wiggled and chirped, Hevy grinned. "Look!"

"Chicken McNuggets." Dr. Katzenstrand muttered.

"... you... you mean... when we go to fast food... we're eating..."

He nodded.

"OH AAAAAAAAAGH NOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

"Ah vell! Such is life!"

The ducks all quacked outside, until a flock of kittens came charing from behind a haystack. There was a mighty struggle, but the ducks all went away. The kittens regrouped and mewed pitifully.

"Hey! My ducks!"

"Good work, Soldiers!" Derek shouted from inside the haystack, "Now, double back!"

"Mew!"

"Oh no, army kittens!" Hevy dropped the chicks into a bucket and protected them, "No peeps for the army!"

"Darn, they're onto us! Retreat, soldiers!"

"Not so fast." Dr. Katzenstrand suddenly pulled Derek from the hay, "You cannot corrupt zee katzenchen, ja? Deir minds, dey are too tiny and impressionable, ja?"

"But... but... they make the perfect soldiers!"

"Vhatever..."

Everyone paused as Redd and Fluffy came dragging Pyro, who was laughing insanely. They passed by and tossed him into the truck next to Greg. Greg sputtered, "Hey! Hey dudes! Untape me so I can look around, eh?!?"

They taped Pyro in next to him and took off to tend to their burns. Pyro looked at Greg and laughed in his face. Greg yelled, "Oshit! HEY DUDES! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE WITH HIM!"

Meanwhile, Brent happily enjoyed his nap, hammock swaying slightly in the breeze with his hat tipped over his eyes. The Momma cat was asleep in his lap, both in complete serenity.

After a short lunch inside and safely contained, Redd grumbled. "Now we had one tragedy... but I want to thank the rest of y'all for behaving so well. We have a little more time if y'all would like to look around, but please stay out of the shed... and away from my sheep."

" Ah wasnae daein' anythin'! Ah swear! Wa ur ye lookin' at me loch 'at?"

". . . Right." Redd shook his head. Betty patted his shoulder sweetly. "Er, well, I'd say in about an hour and a half I should bring y'all home. Sound good?"

"Yes!" Hevy finished off his apple. "Let's go Doktor! I want to see the barn!"

"Ja!" Dr. Katzenstrand headed out with him. Derek was already gone, talking with his furry soldiers about more war events and no doubt tainting their little furry minds.

"I shall go look around now," Corky walked out, "I still don't like the idea of being loose on such a dirty little field trip... all the dust just ruins my suit."

"And THAT my friends is what we call Guerilla Warfare! Any questions?!? No?!? You guys are the greatest crew I've ever commanded!"

"...are... you commanding kittens?" Corky peered at Derek.

"Absolutely! Nobody suspects a thing!"

"Well, actually, since cats are inherently evil... have you tried penguins instead? They are snappy dressers, good at dancing, and completely trusted. Eh?"

"Well..." Derek sighed. "I still think these are fine men! And women! Who are serving their country well!"

"Mew!" They all cried.

"Hmm, this is fun and all, but..." Corky smirked, "I've got a much better activity in mind. I'm wondering if you're interested in listening to my idea?"

"Go ahead, soldier!"

Corky leaned over and whispered into Derek's ear. He nearly fell over. "What?!?"

"Well. I think it sounds fun."

"...Er, meeting's ajourned, soldiers! Go get some cream, you deserved it!"

The kittens scattered, heading to the house, while Corky and Derek slipped into a haystack.

Brent yawned and shifted, but paused as he heard calls of distress. He sat up a little, looking around. The Momma cat looked up as well. "Correct me if I'm wrong, cat, but that's distress."

Momma cat hopped off as the sniper stood up and stretched. He then began striding toward the noise, finding it to be a familiar sound: "That's jumpbuck!"

The jumpbuck, or sheep for the readers, were all being viciously defiled! Brent came running as fast as he could, and suddenly pulled out his gun. He pushed it against Big C's head, and snarled, "Hey, get off those jumpbuck! What are you, a sicko?? Jesus Christ! What have ya done?!?"

" Ah... Ah... och god, Ah cooldnae gonnae-no myself!" Big C sobbed.

"This is... bloody hell..."

Half of the sheep had been sheared naked, and were all now painted bright, neon colors. They looked like easter eggs on legs with black heads. They all baa'ed sadly.

"You need some serious help there, cobber."

"Boohoohoo!"

"C'mon, let's go."

Both walked off, Big C crying all the way.

Hevy was watching the chickens as the Doc paused a moment to get a glass of water inside. The huge man smiled softly at them, until one seemed to look at him. He waved at it.

"Hello." That Voice eminated from the chicken.

"OH MY GOD!" Hevy screamed, "KILL!"

He slammed his fist down on the bird, completely squashing it. It let out a sharp 'Awk'! and left behind feathers.

"I hope you realize what trouble you're in now, dammit." That Voice growled.

"Nooo, the voice! It's in Hevy's head! Waaargh!"

"It's time to come back to HQ! Round everyone else up and get moving."

"O-OK... Doooc!"

"Well I hope you are all satisfied!" Redd dropped them off at HQ's door and was yelling, looking very mad, "Y'all made a right mess of everything! My cats are now drawin' up battleplans, the chickens have all gone into hiding, my sheep are a mess and my cattle are fried! The only thing you did right was stay out of the shed! I'm never EVER bringing any of you back, ever!"

"But..." Corky had bits of straw stuck to his suit.

"Mmmfmmm...?"

"NO! I'm not even gonna talk to you people anymore tonight!" Redd turned on his truck, "Good NIGHT indeed!"

He drove off angrily.

"...So, bonk, what was in that shed?"

"Dunno." Brent shrugged.

"Hmm..."

Chell had enough. She had finally gotten into the back walls of Apeture Science and found an odd door. With some work, she wrenched it open.

"I would not go out there if I were you." GLaDOS warned.

The half-insane, injured woman ignored the computer and stepped out. A dirt floor tickled her toes, as she walked forward. She squinted as the light shone down brilliantly, then she began to dance. SHE WAS FREE!

"Oh hell no," Redd came over, "Git back in there, I don't got time for this tonight! C'mon!"

Chell protested but was tossed back in the shed, and thus back into the Enrichment Center. Redd locked up the door, and the woman stared, then screamed in annoyance.

"Goddamn Portals. I'm goin' to bed." Redd went inside, and passed out for the evening.


	6. The Nutsofreaks Suite

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Foodtress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 5: The Nutsofreaks Suite

Whack! Whack! Whack! Late at night, on his weekly watch, Redd hammered away at an errant piece of metal until it fit perfectly in place. Usually he spent nights at home, but someone had to keep an eye on base while the others slept. You never could tell when some errant Spy would slip in and steal the ice cream. To keep himself entertained, he built machines, of course! Bang bang! The final touches, and another masterpiece was finished. Redd laughed lowly to himself.

"Yessir, this is another beaut." He patted the machine's red metal body. "Oh, they won't know what him 'em!"

Jones, the Bloo Team's spy, listened from below. He was incredibly sour after his bitter dinner defeat and was ready to get his revenge. Digging through his box-o-masks, he found the most perfect one and put it on, then wound his way up onto the platform where Redd stood.

"Who's there?!?" Redd immediately pointed his shotgun at the figure who came over, which happened to be a Scout as far as he could see. Redd immediately shot the figure. "Fukkin Scouts."

Jones came back later with several bandages and a new mask. Grumbling, he crept back up.

"Now who's- oh hey there, Corky! What are ya doin' up so late?"

"I'm . . . " He froze for a moment. "Looking for the bathroom."

"Gee, you still don't know?" Redd pulled out a crude, pencil-drawn map, "Alright, here we are out here, you want to go in like this and to the left. Remember that the lights are automatic and shut off if you stand still too long! Got it?"

"Perfectly! Hmm!" Jones examined the new construction, "What's this then?"

"Well, it's a-"

ZAP! Jones threw a sapper on it and tore off, laughing evily. Redd yelled, "Oh dammit Corky! You and your late night antics!"

He fought to wrench off the sapper, but then suddenly a freak bolt of lightning shot from the sky and hit the machine. The combined shock blew Redd away and the machine began to go haywire, whirring and beeping at a super high speed.

"Oh snap..." Redd watched as the machine shot sparks and flames, his vision fading, "Must... not let... reaction... mmphg."

"Mmm. No." Hevy tossed and turned in his bed, no longer finding it comfortable. He sat up and rubbed at his eyes groggily, his tiny nightcap somehow clinging to his head. Hevy decided maybe a glass of warm milk would help, so he crawled out of his reinforced bed and dragged his blanket behind him. As he stepped out, he found he couldn't locate the sink. Or, for that matter, the hallway. In fact, this was most certainly not his base. Looking up he saw huge boards lining the sky, and it was very dark with little lighting. The walls were brightly colored with the alphabet and pencils the size of his momma.

". . ." He looked around, then suddenly cried out, "Doktor! Haaaaaalp!"

In an instant Dr. Kaztenstrand was by his side in his pajamas, with his medigun on. "...vait a minute. Vhere de hell are ve?"

"I dunno! We need smart people! Engy, haaaalp! Spy, Haaaalp!"

"Yes?" Corky materialized in a nightgown. "... oh damn I forgot to change. Oh damn, they changed the wallpaper."

"What's all this shouting so late at night?!!" Derek came storming out in pajamas covered in tractors, "I order everyone back to bed on the double!"

"But, but... loud man! Look!"

"...Sweet mother of sagebrush!" Derek jumped, looking around. "I think we've been napped into a prisoner camp! A sinister looking one no doubt! They'll be here any second to gut us and use us as decorations!"

"Bonk." Greg peered out from his room, "What are you all on? The place always looks like this."

"Vhat de hell? No it doesn't! Dis... dis looks like... somebody's under-bed!"

"I swear," Greg yawned. "It's always this way, dudes."

"Methinks," Doc squinted, "Somebody has gotten back into mein medicine cabinet."

"You keep meth in there?!? SWEET! BONK!"

"Stay out of mein office!"

" Whit in th' heel! Ah need mah beauty sleep, god damn!" Big C charged out and instantly shoved a bomb down Greg's shirt, and stepped away as it went off. " Thaur, Ah took caur ay th' wee scit and- woah. Ah main hae bin skitin' th' methanol again..."

"So dat's vhere DAT vent! NOBODY is allowed in mein medicine cabinet!!"

"Piss aff, doctur. Am Ah th' only a body seein' thes jobby?"

"No." Hevy whined. "I woke up and it was STRANGE."

"Perhaps," Derek pondered, "We need someone with a very keen eye to tell us exactly where we are! I know no better person than Brent! That man has been everywhere, including in a Hoover Vaccuum bag!"

"Brilliant idea, loud man!" Hevy found Brent in a hammock shortly after, sleeping as usual. "Sniper! Wake up!"

"I'm not available for another three hours, call again." The man sounded exactly like an answering machine. "If this is an emergency, refer to somebody whose awake. Cheers, cobber."

"No, wake up now!"

"What in the bloody hell..." Brent sat up, "What is it?"

"You must halp!" The huge man dragged Brent out and held him upright. "Where we be?"

Brent paused, scanning the area carefully. "I reckon we're under a bed."

"So..." Corky was dressed in his normal suit, "That means we've shrunk?"

"Dunno." He shrugged. "This crikey is so messed up I'm not even going to burl to figure it out."

"OH NOOOOOO!" Hevy screamed, "I AM TINY!"

"The only person who would know how we got into this mess is Redd." Corky lit a cigarette, "I say we go looking."

"Right! Okay men, go get dressed, up and at em! We'll need someone to watch the base while-"

"OK, gotcha." Brent grabbed his gun and crawled ontop of what looked like a toy monster truck and took aim, and promptly fell asleep standing up.

"God bless that soldier! Let's go men!"

The crew found themselves in a giant child's bedroom. Their base was reduced to a shoebox under the bed, and the area was littered with toys and odd constructions of pencils and whatever else they could find. A huge door showed off the hallway, and a room on the other side. Everyone stared in awe for awhile.

"So this is what it's like being a tiny baby!" Hevy cried.

"Dere dere, you're still HUGE in spirit!" Doc patted his back.

"Good god!" Corky pointed at a huge teddybear in a mask and tie- "My Spybear! We're all going to die!"

"Not if we kill it first!" Derek whipped out a shovel and charged at it, yelling, and began to bat at it's leg with the garden tool. It slowly tilted forward, then collapsed ontop of him. "ACK! Man down, man down!!"

Hevy wrenched him free in the nick of time, despite him not really being in any imminent danger. "Oooh, we got to be careful! If only Pyro were here, set it all on fire!"

"Yes, where is that lazy sonofa...?"

"Dornt be glaikit, he's at haem. Thocht Ah wonder if he tries tae come tae wark...?" Big C rubbed at his chin, "Whit dae ye hink he'd see? Boss base?"

"The only thing he probably sees, bonk," Greg was somehow back, "Is kindling. Our base? SCREWED."

"God dammit!" Doc groaned, "All my medicines vill be burnt up!"

"What's with you and the damn meds, doc?!? You can order more!"

"It vill never be de same!"

"Soldiers! Wait! I hear voices!" Derek waved them all around behind a huge block and peered out.

"So, you're telling us..." Bloo Team was in the other room, having listening to Jones the Spy's explination, "That the machine went haywire and before you knew it...?"

"Absolutely! I swear!"

"Well we gotta find that machine and take care of it!"

"But those Reds are probably here too..."

"They're nothing, we'll get 'em."

"Oh snap!" Derek growled, "They're gonna peg us off one by one."

"Oh no, they'll hurt the smart man!" Hevy ran off and came back with his gun, grinning, "Let's kill them first."

"Yes! Greg, you go looking for Redd! Men, let's CHARGE!" Greg watched as the rest of the team blindly charged to shoot people. He hesitated a moment, looking around.

"...I got the munchies, man... maybe they left a giant cookie or something!" He tore off, gazing around, until he came across a glittering orange gumdrop. It was like a gift from the angels, and he shivered in excitement. As he reached to grab the candy...

FSSSSSSSHT! Pyro let him have it with the flames for about a minute, before finally stopping and muttering, "Mmmf mm mffmhm!"

"ARGH!!!!!! I'M ON FIRE!"

"Mmmhmm."

"NOT COOL MAN!" Greg dropped to the floor and rolled around, then screamed at the sight of the melted and ruined gumdrop. "DUDE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... WHY? WHY?!?"

"Mmmf!"

"...Wait." Greg squinted at Pyro. "How did you get here?"

Pyro walked to a mousehole with an odd door. He opened it up, and outside was the normal scenery. "Mmf! Mmmphmpmh?"

"I have no clue what you're saying, but that's the freakiest shit I've ever seen."

"Mmmhmm!"

". . ." He shook his head. "Alright, I gotta find Redd. Don't torch people for fun! Bonk!" Greg tore off and left Pyro... the poor little guy then looked up at a fantastic structure; Barbie's dreamhouse! He squealed and ran around in circles before running in and setting up housekeeping.

The battle against the Bloo team was hard- both sides easily adapted to the strange scenery, and it was pretty evenly matched... until the Bloo Team found the remote-control convertible.

"OH SHIT!" Derek dodged out of the way as the roadster shot past, before smacking into a wall.

"Hey c'mon guys!!" Bloo Scout shook his head, glad he had buckled in, "Steer me straight!"

"We're tryin'! This job is too big for one man!" Bloo Engineer fought with the giant remote control and got the convertible turned around, to charge at the Red team again. Everyone had to duck and cover, all split up.

"This shit is ridiculous... if only..." Derek then rocket-jumped up onto the toybox, and let out a very loud war call. Everyone stopped as the floor began to rumble.

"What's going on?!?"

"... WAR KITTENS!" Bloo Engineer screamed, pointing at the door. Indeed, five kittens in helmets came charging in and began to bat at the wrongdoers. There was much chaos, and Red team cheered the felines on happily. Derek leapt onto the back of an orange one.

"Alright! Let's teach them a lesson!"

"Mew!"

"RETREAT!" Bloo Team scrambled into a mousehole, forcing the kittens to all suddenly crouch down and peer in, tails twitching. Derek simply laughed smugly to himself.

"Trapped like rats. Literally! Harf harf harf!"

" Those cats ur min' bogglin'! Och god, Ah need a bevvy sae badly." Big C came across a very large, clear bottle with some fluid in it, "Lucky day, what's thes?"

"Noooo!" Doktor shouted as Big C busted it open, the clear fluid rushing out. There was a terrible scream, and the doc slapped his face. "...dat's fingernail hardening solution..."

"Cannae... move...!"

"Vere going to have to vait for de Pyro and burn you out."

"OCH GOD NAE!"

"Men! Has Greg returned?"

"Nope!" Hevy frowned, "He's a loser!"

"I agree! I think the enemy has found a way out of this hole in the wall, as well..."

Pyro happily rocked away in a pink chair, admiring a picture of flowers painted directly on the wall. The house was so beautiful, like nothing he ever had imagined. When he was done whiling away time, he ran into the bedroom and tried out the bed. It had fluffy covers, but a very poor mattress. He turned angry and promptly torched it, odd fumes rising from the scorched fabric and plastic. He visited the bathroom and tried the sink, breaking off a handle, finding no water to come out. Who did the plumbing here?!?

But as he went to check out the 'fridge, the Bloo Team came in from the exit hole and into his house. Pyro paused and looked at all of them, then shook his finger at them. "Mmmf! Mmfhm mmhmmm mnnph mnnm?!?"

"...What?" They all tilted their heads.

Pyro pointed at a doorbell.

"...Oh right!" They all stepped out, then rang the battery-operated doorbell before coming in."

"Mmmf!" Pyro gave them a thumbs up... then promptly torched their asses. He laughed evily, and tossed them all out a window. Going back to investigate the 'fridge, he opened the door and Redd fell out! "Mmmph!!! Mmm?"

"Ugh..."

"Mmmph!" Pyro picked him up and ran out, looking all around. He yelled, to the best of his ability, 'Medic!' which came out as: "MMMMPHMMMMMMMM!"

"Somebody is in distress!" Dr. Katzenstrand took off, team behind him. "Redd!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro set him down, and the Doc took care of his ouchies. Pyro proudly gave a speech, but nobody could decipher anything.

"Ugh... thanks, Doc. I never thought this would happen." Redd shook his head.

"Oh, oh, explain!" Hevy cheered, but paused. "Pyro needs to unstick Big C from floor, in there."

"Mmmf!" Pyro skipped off unusually cheerfully, and then promptly roasted Big C, who let out very loud, pained screams.

"Well, I built a machine that was able to camoflauge huge areas!" Redd beamed proudly, "But shucks, in the night a Spy came and sapped it."

"Wasn't me." Corky muttered, invisible.

"Then there was... it was just like God was punishing me... and this happened. I'm glad y'all found me, now I can fix this right awful mess!"

"So... dis is all an illusion?"

"Probably."

Derek cried quietly. "So giant war kittens... are not so... boohoo."

"Now if we just find the machine and disassemble it correctly...!"

"Dude! What's this?" Greg investigated a strange, burnt-out machine with a sapper on it. "Redd's crazy inventions... what happens if I just bust it up? Will we go home? Bonk! I'll be a hero!"

A few swift swings of the bat and the machine was in pieces- the world around them all shifted violently, and Greg yelped. "Oh no!"

"...this is great, just great."

"Ah hate scoots!" Big C spat at Greg.

"Dude!" He moved away. "At least we're not in hell!"

"I can zwim! Dis is worse! Waah!"

Indeed, everyone was neck-deep in an endless sea.

"There's water in my everything." Brent sneered.

"Well... I'll get to work on a boat." Redd somehow began construction, as they all bobbed up and down, and eventually ganged up on Greg.


	7. Burnan Gaems

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Mattress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 6: Burnan Gaems

It was pretty early yet, but the kids were already active. Junior and Pyrette creeped from their rooms and headed to the kitchen, snatching a couple of boxes of fruit drink and giggling naughtily. Today was a special day for them! Their parents were going to take off for the day, and they were going to be babysat. Not by any of the normal sitters- they had all quit on account of burns and missing fingers and other silly things. Not that it was the kid's fault, because truly, they were little angels.

They were going -out- to be watched, for a change! And, at Daddy's work! Nothing sounded more exciting, especially being in the middle of a BATTLEFIELD.

When their daddy awoke, he made sure they had their things and their suits looked clean, before bringing them in a wagon down the streets. They both happily looked around as the other children stared and the animals ran away in terror. He stopped outside the doors and gave them another quick look over.

"Mmmphmpm mmf!" He reminded them.

"Mmmhmm!" They both nodded sweetly.

He opened the door and managed to wheel them in. Both of the children gasped in delight at the inside of the base- it looked so official! The walls had the Red team's logo, all of the furniture was abused and needed replacing, and the coffee pot was now locked. Down the hallway, they were brought into the commons, where Daddy's team was waiting. They both quivered in joy!

"Oh boy!" Hevy clapped his hands, "The TINY Pyros are here! Wow, they're not babies anymore but still TINY!"

"Mmmfmfph!"

Both of the kids giggled. They remembered Unkie Hevy! He was great for rides and candy.

"God..." Greg was moping in a chair, "We get to watch a couple of brats all day. Yipee woohaw."

"Hey now!" Redd scolded, "He asked us a simple little favor, it's not polite to act sour, boy."

"Pfft."

"Oh! Are dey here?" Doc peered from his room, and then grinned at them. They both suddenly clung to each other and shook in fear- they knew this guy as the man who gave them immunizations. "My favorite little patients, ja!"

They both cried noisily.

"Doctur! Swatch, nae tois minutes an' ye got them greetin'." Big C whispered to them, "Dornt fash yerse abit 'at pure techt auld doctur, kids. Uncle See will blaw heem up fur ye!"

They giggled, before their father mmf'ed at them a little more. Hugs were exchanged, and Pyro waved goodbye, and took off. The kids crawled out of their wagon and looked around curiously.

"Looks like someone wants a tour!" Redd grinned, kneeling down at their level. "Why don't y'all pick your favorite people so you can get a look around!"

Pyrette instantly clung onto Hevy, and Junior gasped. He made a face at her and stuck with Redd, grumbling. The engineer simply laughed and patted his head, "Aw, she gotcha, huh? Well! If you come with -me- you get to see secret things."

Pyrette sighed as they walked off. "Mmfmff!"

"No worries! We'll have lotsa fun!" Hevy happily started off. "Oh no, sniper, spy and soldier haven't said hi! Let's find them!"

Pyrette was sent up the ladder into Brent's perch, where the man was enjoying a drink. It was fairly hot out, so nobody could blame him- he was actually cooking lunch on the roof. He was leaning back in the shade, just trying to stay cool, when a minature axe imbedded itself in the wall right beside his arm.

"Well excuse me, you could have just said g'day." He casually folded his arms, "You must be pyro's little chick."

Pyrette nodded, freeing her axe.

"Well don't hang around up here, no room for children. See?"

She looked around, then put her hands on her hips.

"Don't give me that look. Shoo!"

"Mmmf..." She slid down the ladder, disappointed.

"Aww, sniper being cranky?" When she nodded, Hevy smirked, "Then burn down ladder!"

"!" Pyrette grabbed her torch and promptly did so, the both of them laughing evily. Brent yelped and fussed, but was unable to do a thing about it. The little terrorist laughed right along with Hevy as they sprinted off.

"Rotten kids!" Brent yelled after them.

"...and this here is our missle silo!"

Junior was very impressed, looking at the shiny missles, and then at the splendid array of buttons.

"Yessir, I maintain this place all by myself." Redd grinned with pride, "Built the missles from scratch. They work too! Bloo team needs to take one wrong step and we'll be able to blast them off the face of the earth."

Junior crept closer to the buttons, occasionally glancing at Redd, but the engineer kept talking. The little boy managed to get within poking distance, and began pressing buttons. They each made a different kind of noise, until one of them set off an alarm.

"Emergency," That Voice sounded from all around, "Some fool has pressed the doomsday button."

"Oh no!" Redd gasped. "Kid, don't poke the buttons like that!"

"Hehehe!"

"C'mon, out you go while I fix this!" Redd scooted the little boy out, before closing the door and turning off the alarms. Junior was a little miffed about being kicked out, so he took off on his own. The building was filled with nice hallways that made it like a maze, so he ran down them all as fast as he could until he turned into the intelligence room.

"...and that's why I believe the modern convienence of seperate showers is spoiling our nation's youth!" Derek shouted at the top of his lungs.

"My, you are so opinionated!" Corky smirked, lighting a new cigarette. "Such strong ones too, just like the rest of you, hm?"

"You could use a little work on that!" Derek smirked back.

"Oh, I'd have to have you command me, and run me hard. I can't do it alone."

"C'mere you..."

Junior's eyes went huge as the two began to- what he perceived as- eating each other's faces. So he instantly ran in and torched the Soldier, who went out with an 'AIEEE!', leaving nothing but a pile of ash and his helmet.

"Ack!" Corky stumbled back. "What in the- ... a minature Pyro. How quaint."

"Mmmfmmf!"

"I cannot understand a word you're saying." Corky grumbled, "Don't you have something better to do than to sit here and annoy me?"

Junior frowned. He instantly slam-kicked Corky in the crotch. There was a moment of silence as nothing happened. Junior tilted his head in curiousity, until Corky made a sudden movement and screamed, falling over in agony.

"OH GOD!"

"EHEHEHE!" Junior ran in circles before taking off.

He ran back into the commons as fast he could and suddenly leapt up into Greg's lap, trying to look innocent. The teen flinched and started to pull him off. "Hey, no! No kids allowed, dude!"

"Hey! Have you see- ah hah!" Redd peered in, "Hey! Don't be mean to the young'ns!"

"But he-"

"You're full of energy! You should play with him!"

"But I-"

"Have fun with Greg, little guy!" Redd took off. Greg groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Great. So. What kind of moron baby games do you play?"

Junior hopped off and made a batting motion with his axe.

"...Really? Baseball?" Greg sat up a bit. "Hey, I got all my stuff, you wanna play?"

"Mmmhmm!"

"Bonk!" He got up and hurried to his room. "Just one second, let me find it..."

Junior waited, as Hevy came by with Pyrette. All of them waved to each other in silence, watching Greg dig around. Hevy whispered something, setting the little girl down. All three giggled.

"I think I got- AAAAAAUGH!" Greg was engulfed in flames, collapsing. The three went into absolute hysterics! They all froze solid as the door to the infirmary came open and out marched the still sizzling but weirdly ressurrected young man. "DUDE. NO."

The two kids shrieked and clung to each other.

"HOW YOU DO THAT?" Hevy backed away.

"Just... just shut up! Either you play nice or not at all!"

The kids looked innocent.

"OK... one last time. You wanna play or not?"

Junior shook his head and backed away. Pyrette shrugged, then moved closer. She always did like games, all different sorts, as long as she won. Or got even.

"Alright! C'mon!"

Pyrette and Greg headed outside and played around with a baseball for awhile, whereupon Greg was able to show off his natural skillz for the sport. More than once the guy lost the ball, and they had to fetch a new one. Pyrette was pretty good at hitting too, for a little girl, but could never match.

"Not too bad! But you gotta work on your form!"

"Mmmph..."

"Don't get discouraged!"

"..." She looked at the ball a moment, then whipped it at his head. It knocked him over flat, and she jumped up and down happily. Greg groaned, and then growled as he got up.

"OK... OK... I'll take that one as a joke."

"Ehehe!"

"You know what! You two are just big spoiled brats, bonk!"

Pyrette gasped! Her little heart broke in two, and she began to cry lighter fluid. It somehow managed to leak out around the eyes of her mask and roll down her little cheeks.

"...oh god... I... I'm sorry, don't cry!"

She sobbed into her gloves.

"Aw, gee..." Greg felt terrible. He sighed and walked over, holding his arms out. "How about a hug?"

Two seconds later he was aflame again and Pyrette ran back into base. Greg slowly collapsed onto his face, flesh burning. "I hate kids."

"There there!" Hevy was the one she ran to, and he patted her little back. "You know what I do when sad?"

She and Junior shook their heads. They were picked up and promptly walked off. They both figured they were going somewhere fun and cheered... until Hevy stepped into the Doc's office. They both began to cry.

"No! No crying! Doktor make it all better!"

"Vhat?" Doc looked up and grinned again, "Oh, de little ones! Aww, vhy you cry so much?"

"Waah!" They clung to each other.

"Vhat did you do to dem?"

"Nothing!" Hevy frowned. "You gotta make em happy again!"

"Easy! Does anybody here vant some... candy?" The Doc produced two lollypops. Both of the kids stopped crying and instantly grabbed for it. He happily gave it to them. "...though dis reminds me..."

"..." The two stared at him critically.

"...someone is late for a booster!" He suddenly jammed two needles, one into each of the kids, giving them impromptu immunizations. The kids screeched and became healthier, and the Doc seemed pleased. "Dere, dat vasn't so bad!"

"Oh, ouch!" Hevy winced.

"Vhat? Do you need some too?"

"Nope!" Hevy put on a nervous grin. "Hevy's perfectly healthy!!"

"I could administer you all a vitamin shot." Doc grew a weird shine in his eyes, "It vould make your coats healthy, with a nice sheen."

All three ran away- best to do so when Dr. Katzenstrand got into one of his moods. They all hid for some time in the cafeteria, until it was almost time for their daddy to show up.

When Pyro came in, his kids came running and hugged onto him. He hugged them back, and they all chattered at each other unintelligbly. The crew watched, half of them pissed. Brent was still stuck up in his nest, and no doubt his brain was now fried from the heat.

"Mmmfmff!"

"Aw, they were treasures!" Redd smiled, "We'd love to watch em again sometime!"

"BONK. NO."

"Shaddup!" Hevy punched his face in. "Bring kids back sometime to play!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro gave a thumbs up, putting the kidlets back into the wagon. They headed home, very happy. Meanwhile, Redd and Hevy were being eyed by Corky, Derek, and Greg. The silence was only interrupted when the Doc's door squeaked open.

"Hey Doc!" Redd waved, "What's-"

Redd stumbled back with a needle in his head.

"IMMUNIZATION TYME R U UP 2 DATE LOL!" Doc screamed, making everyone tear off in panic. "CUM BACK U NIID UR HEALF SHOTS!"


	8. The Doc is IN!

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Buttress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 7: The Doc is IN!

The base wasn't the cleanest place to live. In fact, everything there was covered in dirt and grime, and nobody took the time to scrub and disinfect it. The only person who kept his space clean was Dr. Katzenstrand, who was overly proud of his office. There, the metal gleamed cleanly and the floors were shiny, and there was not a single drop of blood to tell for the gallons shed here.

So it wasn't ever a surprise to HIM when someone got sick. No, then it gave him room to flex his medical muscles. He WAS a licensed doctor, to be sure, but spending time in a battlefield had probably changed him enough that nobody wanted him working on their kids.

He also took care of his own health. He didn't eat the strange concotions made by the team (Corky cooked like a god, however, and always seemed perfectly safe if not a touch strange) and bathed as regulalry as he could. So when the tempting, but dangerous smell of blueberry-and-mystery-ingredient pie drifted down the halls, he ignored it wisely.

"Mmm!" Greg sniffed, looking for the source, "I smell foooood... foooooood... sooooo hungreeeeee..."

"Food?" Hevy peered out from his room.

"Bonk. I think it's this way."

They passed by a halfway-unconcious Big C, who was also sniffing about. "Guid day thaur brothers, lend a hain tae a broken cheil? Ah reek scran but dornt hink Ah can gie up tae see."

"No problem!" Hevy hoisted him over a shoulder, "But no puking!"

"Cannae make onie promises!"

Even Brent came down from his perch, sniffing. "Something smells beaut, n I haven't had much today..."

Soon all of them were looking around for this delightful dinner!

"I can't believe you'd eat something that nasty." Corky sneered, "How pig disgusting."

"Soldier!" Derek yelled at him, "When you lived for fifteen years on the earth with no modern convienences, you learn to improvise! I first made this one july day and lived off of it three days of the week, sometimes more if I could find the right ingredients! Let me tell you, I stirred the contents with a femur from fallen enemies and spiced it with weasel dander!"

"Urgh!" The spy shuddered.

"Here! Try some!"

"No way!"

"Pwease?" Derek whimpered. When Corky vanished, he yelped. "Hey! Not fair, get back here!!"

"Food?" Hevy grinned, peering at him from around a corner.

"Bonk?"

"Scran?"

"You got something ta eat?"

"Oh ho, I knew you maggots would come crawling about as soon as I started cooking!" Derek smirked, crossing his arms, "Maybe you all should learn the art of cuisine!"

"Dude... you guys..." Greg frowned, "You don't even let me near the sporks."

"Corky no teach Hevy how to use stove!"

"Hey, I can cook fine, but I figured I might as well ask." Brent adjusted his hat a little. "If there's not a bite ta spare, though, I'll bugger off."

"Ah can cuik! Tatties, onie kin' ay tatties, fifty kinds, but only tatties. Ye ken hoo boak Ah am ay tatties?" Big C sniffed back some tears. "Corky makes chups but... still, it's tatties... aam sae boak ay tatties..."

"You are all pathetic! ... buuuuut... since Corky took off without his share, I guess I can spare some on you."

The group cheered in delight. They all crowded around the Soldier's campfire, where they found, of all things, his spare helmet being used as the cooking pot. He took it carefully off and let it cool, all the men drooling. It looked like blueberry pie! Oh glorious days! He dished it out on tin plates and they all began stuffing their faces, absolutely in heaven. This stuff was great, and it wasn't French, damn that Corky!

"Oh lordie!" Greg was inhaling his like air, "This... bonk... this is so good! What's in it, dude?!?"

"You got your basics, blueberries! Flour! Sugar! All that good stuff! The crust is handmade! I also have a special ingredient that makes it great!"

"What's that?" Brent leaned in, munching. "I won't tell a single soul."

"OK, so I went out back near the laundry line we only used once and found a patch of mushrooms! However, they were perfectly fragrant and rich to compliment this dish. I found them growing on an old pair of stripey boxer shorts!"

All the men froze.

They suddenly began spewing it back out like it was Satan himself.

"Hey! What the hell is wrong with you soldiers! This stuff is the food of gods!"

"Yoo're tryin' tae kill me, Ah kent it!" Big C spat, pointing an accusing finger at the man, "I'll sue ye! i'll... woah... Ah dornt feel sae stoatin."

Very rapidly, the men grew weak and collapsed into piles. They went pretty unnoticed until Pyro came in for work. Today, luckily, Redd was at home on much-needed vacation, so only the already deranged man came across the horrible sight. Pyro jumped up and down in panic before calling aloud...

"I feel... like I'm on fire... and my stomach..." Greg groaned, shifting a bit. He found himself on a stiff bed, one he knew well. Ah, the Doc's place. At least he knew he wasn't dead YET... "God... Doc! Hey Dooooc... I need some drugs!"

"Mmm, nein." Dr. Katzenstrand muttered from another bed.

"Hevy feels icky!" Hevy cried.

"Dere dere, my friend! Hopefully zoon you'll be all better!"

"The... the nazis have come back!" Derek screamed in a feverish rage, "They got the Doc too!"

"Aam finally dyin', mammy lied, thes is gantin'!" Big C began his wailing, "Och puir grandma, if eh'd only kent Ah woods hae shot ye reit 'en! An' aam dry, Ah need a bevvy! waaah!"

Herr Doktor rolled his eyes. Brent wasn't a problem at all, since all he did was sleep. But he was more concerned about the indirect victim, one who hadn't touched the food but had the weirdest affliction of them all. Indeed, Pyro's mask was now sprouting a wig of red mushrooms. Pyro didn't mind, he kept looking at them in a mirror proudly and patting them.

"Don't touch, you fool! I ztill don't know vhat de hell dose are!"

Pyro sighed.

"Good Gott." Doctor K shook his head. "Now, vhen you are all zick, who vill take care of de base, huh?"

"Why not call... bonk... Redd, huh?"

"Because," Doc spoke rather annoyedly, "He is on vacation by my order. I've never ZEEN someone shake dat bad in years vhile not on drugs."

In fact, while Redd was sitting at the table at his home, trying to read the paper, another fit came about. He shouted, "Honey! Bring me the duct tape, I can't fer the life of me read this when there's these earthquakes jolting me about!"

Betty sighed and proceeded to secure him to his chair.

"Then... the only one left..."

"...what?" The Voice muttered, "Are you all looking at me?"

Everyone nodded.

"Oh no, you don't get to pin this down on me THIS time. No, I'm not taking care of you THIS time. I'm out of tea, god damn you, and then you go about whining and complaining, "Look at us, we're little babies and need you to hold our hands, Mum!" Well, not today! No, today you're on your own! I have too much to do and I'm in need of a cup of Earl Grey! Until you deliver I do not recognize your existance! And someone get me a fucking magazine! God, do you people care about me at all?"

"But...!" Hevy cried.

"No! Now shut up, the lot of you! Good god, I think the hormones are worse today than they ever had been."

Everyone cringed at the thought.

"Den... den I am zee only one?"

Everyone nodded.

"...vell! I guarantee I can manage!" Doc grinned under his mask, trying to prevent inhaling spores or germs of any sort, "Dis place needs a zuper-cleaning anyway! I think I'll... pick up all your rooms!"

Everyone screamed in horror.

"Den I'll be giving you a regimen of medicine and injections to bring you back to health, ja?!?" The mad gleam appeared in his eye. "Finally, me, de one on top!"

Everyone screamed more.

"Vell den! You all REST now, vhile I get to work! ... STOP IT!"

Pyro froze, having patted his mushrooms again.

"Am I going to have to zaw your damn arms off?!?"

Pyro whimpered and sat on his hands.

"If you need anything, you know vhat to do!"

"Call for Doktor?"

"Vell, once in awhile, mebbe..." He washed his gloves off before giving them a healthy snap. "But otherwise, suck it."

The men all sobbed as he went out the door, grabbing cleaning supplies.

The door slowly swang open in the dirtiest room of all. The dust bunnies froze as the dark shadow came in the door. The instruments in his pockets clanged as he took heavy steps forward. The sheriff knew this was bad news, and all the germs readied themselves for an old fashioned brawl. While they were quickdraws, the Doc was quicker and suddenly the room was the sight of a massacre! The cleaning product was everywhere, on the women and children, eating the bacteria whole! Well, OK, that's a complete over-dramatization, but damn is it fun to do.

"Out, out damn spot!" Doc tackled the grease stains and fuzz patches growing all over like a maniac. He wanted to do this for months, but everyone would have complained about him forcing them to stay neat afterwards. Eventually he moved onto the refridgerator. As he opened the door, something inside snarled.

"...hullo?"

"Rrr..."

The Doc took no time in preparing himself with his bonesaw, before throwing the door open. Suddenly, the old coleslaw attacked, having turned into an intelligent lifeform after months of neglect. With a mighty slash of surgical steel, the horrible fiend was cut in two and left useless on the floor. The eggs hissed through their jagged crack teeth, and the jell-o tried to escape. Doc quickly destroyed the menaces and sealed them in a barrel, writing 'Radioactive Waste' on the front. He rolled the barrel to a deposit chute and put it in.

The barrel rolled down the metal shaft into a room filled with conveyor belts, and it was quickly processed and stamped with identification code and instructions for handling. It was sent down another tube where it was deposited in a metal container, which was picked up and put in the back of an armored truck. Men in hazmat suits then drove the truck far across the hills before using a special lift to haul the barrel. It was then delivered neatly and safely at the stoop of a metal doorway before the men left.

"...Hey!" The door opened, a lunch lady peering out. "They finally delivered a new batch. Alright, kids, it's Wednesday Special!!"

Finally the lunchroom glistened like it was brand new.

"Mmmhmm, very gut!" Doc nodded at his work. "Time to tackle de rest of dis mess."

The sick patients listened in anguish as the vaccuum was heard, along with a floor polisher, many different kinds of sprays, a chainsaw, sponges being used nicely, and things being PUT AWAY. They knew they'd never find half of their things again!

"Nooo! Doktor is going to be touching Sasha! I will KILL him..." Hevy sniffed, a tear rolling down his face, "But I love dis doktor...!"

"He's gonna put all of my models in plastic!" Greg whined, "Bonk! They'll... be sterile!"

"Damn Nazis are going through my things!" Derek tossed and turned in his bed. "As soon as this mind-controlling drug wears off I'll kill em all with my TEETH! Send in the kittens! Where's the president when you need 'im?!? Oh god, they must have the women!"

"Ye folks dornt hae it bad. he's gonna jobby every a body ay mah bottles!"

Brent snored.

They all fell silent as their doctor came in through the door. Though battered, he was not beaten. Though a bit dirty, he still had won. "You rooms... DEY ARE CLEAN!"

"OH GOD NOOOOO!"

"Ja!" Doc put on new, clean gloves and a uniform, "I hope you vill keep dem clean, ja? Now! How is everyone feeling?"

"I'm gonna die, Doc." Greg whined, "Everything is burning!"

"Doc! Doc...!!" Derek wheezed.

"Yes??" Dr. Katzenstrand came up beside his bed. The soldier grabbed onto his coat, hoisting himself up weakly so the Doctor could hear. Derek tried to mutter a few words, Dr. K nodding to try and get him to speak up.

"I... need... a bandaid!"

"Vhat kind d-"

"OMG!" Derek screamed, "YER A NAZI?!?"

"... What." Doctor spoke very, very slowly. "Kind. Do. You. Want?"

"N... durr... They're screwing with my mind... I need a kitty bandaid for my wittle finger! It got burnteded on the pie!"

Doctor administered the sterile strip and the Soldier was happy. Hevy whimpered, so the Doctor went to him next. "Doktor? Am I going to die?"

"No."

"Oh good. Did you touch Sasha?!?"

"Only to tuck her blanket in better, ja?"

Hevy nearly cried happily. "Aww!"

"Ja!" Doctor then looked at Big C, but interrupted him before he could speak. "No drinks."

"Ah hate yer huir uv a bein'."

"Vhatever... ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT!"

Pyro shrieked, dropping his mirror, which shattered, then backed away as the Doc pulled out his bonesaw in one arm and needle gun in the other. The Doc looked like he had just lost his soulmate or something. "I TOLD YOU DON'T TOUCH AND VHAT DO YOU DO?!?"

Pyro sobbed and hid in a corner.

"No, doc! Don't kill him!! Bonk!"

"Nae th' wee Pyro!"

"MMMF!"

Slash! Mushrooms fell to the floor. Pyro screamed at his baldness.

"Silence! Vhat babies!" Doc swept them up and then tossed them in a metal can, before dropping a match in. They exploded in a minature mushroom-shaped cloud. "Dere. Now! Shots for the rest of you! Hmm..."

He loaded his gun as they all sweated.

"Dere vas also some corrective surgery you all needed... vasn't dere?"

Everyone gasped in horror.

"... Mmm... I smell... tea!" That Voice suddenly became active, "Where's my tea, god blast it all!"

"Right here, ma'am! I'm not sure where you are to give it to y'all, but..." Redd sat it down on the counter. "Hoo-wee! I leave for a few days and this place gets prettier than the full moon in June. Wow, the boys musta worked their tails off."

"You could say that..."

"Where might I find em?"

"Check the infirmary... oh god, I love you so much right now. Teaaaa..."

"Er... right." Redd headed down the hall and walked in the door, pausing and waving at a figure resting against the wall. "Howdy, Corky, what ya doin' out here all by yourself?"

"You don't want to go in there.

"What? Why not?"

"It's hell.

"..." Redd slowly opened the door.

"And vhat do ve do after we use de toilet?!?"

"Wash our hands!" All of the men shouted.

"AHAHA! YES! YES, see, great-uncle Adolf?!? I created my own army! AHAHA!"

"OH MY GOD...!!"


	9. Cry Over Spilt Milk

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Mistress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 8: Cry Over Spilt Milk

Late at night, quiet feet traveled down the shiny hallway, not leaving even a shadow to tell for the stalking figure that swept around a corner. The door to the doctor's office swung open and with the press of a button, the spy materialized before adjusting his pajamas and walking in and promptly sitting on the table behind the busy doctor.

"Yes?" The medical man didn't stop to look back or any such thing. Usual.

"I am in need of medical assistance." Corky tossed his cigarette off behind him, not knowing where it was going to land.

"Vhat is it?" Dr. Katzenstrand turned around, "Dis better not be for warm milk, you can do dat yourself!"

"Oh, no..." Corky shook his head with a soft laugh. "Actually, I have this terrible pain..."

"Mmhmm, go on."

"In my chest, right here, in my heart! Oh, how it aches so terribly!" Corky grasped his chest dramatically, "I think... I think this condition is fatal. I can tell... there's only one cure!"

"Open heart surgery!!" The Doc suddenly held aloft his bonesaw, "If you lie down ve can start promptly!"

"Ack! No, no, a simplier way!"

"Don't correct your Doktor, he knows vhat he is doing!"

"WAIT!" Corky threw his hands up, "The best cure for this... is a few moments in your embrace!"

"..."

"Yes, I know it sounds so odd! But, but... just a lingering moment... and all my ails will be cured." The spy sighed dreamily, closing his eyes, "Oh I can just imagine..."

"...Dere seems to be a fire."

"In my heart!"

"Not quite... tell me, do you feel any odd, varm sensations?"

"Well," Corky blushed deeply, "...wait. I smell something burning and it smells delish. OH MY GOD, MY ASS IS ON FIRE!"

Corky shot off screaming, unaware that an ash from his cigarette fell onto the table the doctor just cleaned with acohol, and just a little was left behind, enough to spread to the man's ass and burn it. The Doctor rolled his eyes, put it out quickly with the handy Anti-Pyro Extinguisher, and went to bed.

"Hrm." Greg flipped through the mail idly, it having just been brought during the morning, looking for anything addressed to him. He paused at a large letter, and shouted, "Who the hell is Snooky-bumpkins and why is his mail getting sent here??"

"Er!" Derek snatched it, "This is definitely enemy intelligence! Give it here, soldier, I'll deal with it as neccessary! Ahem."

"Right..."

"Now, men! Today we're going to do some heavy training! So you better eat breakfast now, you won't be eating until we're finished!" Everyone groaned, but Derek didn't pay much attention. "You should eat Wheaties! Food of the gods!"

"Ah wanted tae be oan a Wheaties box, it was mah dream." Big C teared up, "...until Ah realized nobody wants tae see mah gantin coopon in th' morn ur graw up tae be a cyclaps!"

"Poor C!" Hevy munched on a box of cereal ('Sugarnobyls - A complete meltdown of sugar in your spoon!') entirely writted in Russian. "Someday, maybe, you on a box! Looking manly without eyeball!"

"Mebbe..."

"You people n your cedinkum, all processed n shoved in a cardboard box... ya don't know how quickly you're killing yourself." Brent dug around in the refridgerator, "What ya all need is a down-to-earth, hot meal. If anyone wants a -dinkum- brekkie, I'd be glad ta share my pork brains n eggs."

Everyone gagged, trying not to die.

"Fine. Wankers."

"I'll stick with something that's not gonna clog my heart in two seconds, bonk." Greg moved to the toaster and waited for his poptarts to appear, "C'mon! Faster! Damn toaster! FASTERFASTERFASTER AAAAAARGH BONK I'M HUNGRY -NOW--!"

"...er..." The Doc was enjoying some toast with jam, "...if you break it, you replace it, ja?"

"Boooonk..."

"Hey!" Derek looked around, "Where is that late-sleeping Corky?!? Good for nothing spy is skipping the most important meal!"

"He's probably out back smoking, dude." Greg fished out his poptarts before they were done and was electrocuted.

"Well then!" Derek got up and forcibly poured milk and Wheaties into a bowl, though having good intents, and headed for the door, "I'll bring it to him! He'll get his meal whether he likes it or no-"

Bam! There was a sudden collision, for Corky just came in from outside. Wheaties and milk launched forward and splashed against his fine pinstripe suit. Everyone froze and stared in silence as the milk dripped out of Corky's tie.

"...good morning?" Derek laughed awkwardly, "I was just going to bring you your-"

"My... my suit! Look what you've done to my clothes!" Corky gasped, "My imported silk! You know how much this cost me?!? This outfit is ruined forever! And it was my favorite!"

"But I...!"

"We are now mortal enemies, sir!" Corky gave an angry glare, before vanishing to go get new clothes, "I shall never forgive!"

"Nooo wait!" Derek took a few steps forward, and then sighed. "... Alright, someone, clean this up! Right now!"

"Ye spilled it!" Big C snorted, "Ye clean it up!"

The sudden torrential fury of screaming made Big C wet himself and sob like a baby, before he crawled to the mess and cleaned it up. Derek disappeared lickety-split and everyone was left stunned.

"... what was THAT?" Hevy shivered.

"I do believe dis is vhat dey call a Spat. Do not vorry, in two hours I'm certain dey vill be back to normal!"

Unfortunately, for once, Herr Doktor was wrong. After Redd and Pyro had come in, Hevy found himself playing with the hazmat-suited man, both innocently chasing each other around in the halls, until they came across Corky. He was leaning against the wall in a new suit, but it didn't look quite the same as the normal one.

"Oh! Spy!" Hevy grinned, believing his Doktor's words, "You want to play tag?!?"

"No!" He snapped. "Take your silly games outside, baldy!"

"Gasp!" Hevy sniffled.

"... Mmmffmfff!!" Pyro ran up and torched Corky, assuming he was a double-agent. There were many screams, and Pyro wound up fleeing for his life with a knife-weilding, burning Corky just centimeters behind him.

"Oh nooooo, no killing Pyro!"

Corky was about to catch the poor little guy when Derek stepped out of his room. The two froze and looked at each other angrily a moment, before Corky simply vanished. Pyro let out a relieved sigh, then began to mutter to Derek- Hevy pulled him away quickly, moving to another room.

"?" Pyro tilted his head.

"Spy and Soldier have BIG fight!" Hevy explained, "Very unhappy and mad!"

"Hmm!" Pyro thought for a moment. He had seen many people have fallouts before, and had even had a few with his Missus. Pyro gave a quick snap of his fingers, "Mmmf, mmhmmnm mffm mmf mmhmmnmmm!"

"Make them like each other again?"

"Mmhmm!"

"How?"

"Hmm..." Pyro lead Hevy to a ladder and pointed up.

Somehow the huge man squeezed up, but could only get his head out of the trapdoor. A radio played old-timey music as Brent concentrated on a target below.

"Bloody Scouts... they come on aur lawn without even introducing themselves... say goodbye ta your head, wanker." The sniper sent off a shot at the Bloo Scout attempting to slip in, his head exploding with blood. "Heh!"

"SNIPER!"

"BLOODY-" He triggered another shot, the bullet hitting the metal baseball bat and ricocheting off with a loud ping. Then, it shot back, right past Brent's face and instantly hit the cloaked spy behind him, who died abruptly. "...well THAT was different. What in the name of God do ya want?"

"Spy and Soldier have-"

"Tell me the part I don't know, n hurry."

"Pyro said, mebbe we make them happy again! But how?"

"Hm. Well, I'm no marriage counselor, but... we could plant Prezzys. You know, that say they're from the other person n whatnot."

"Oh yeah!"

"That Derek's going ta like anything military n I know Corky would appreciate something as French as he is. I don't have anything ta give, but ya can find the weirdest things... at the Dump."

"OH BOY! Thanky Sniper!" Hevy shimmied back down. "We gotta go looking for presents!"

"Mmmf, moo?"

"No, not steak! C'mon."

Soon, there were two very lopsided, badly-wrapped presents with scorch marks placed outside of the appropriate doors. Pyro snuck up and knocked on a door and went back to hiding as it swung open.

"What?? Go awa- hm?" Corky poked his head out and picked up the box. "'To Korkee', hmph, moron can't even spell my name. Wonder what's inside though... Oh my!"

Out unrolled a length of very damaged, very French pantyhose.

"That cheap little..." But then the Spy smirked, "What a tease though. Eheheh..."

He disappeared into his room. Hevy looked confused. "Was that good present?"

Pyro nodded a million times.

"Oh yay!"

They snuck down the hall and knocked on Derek's door before hiding behind some crates. The Soldier threw open the door, holding a model airplane and toy soldier, "Hey! I'm having an important military tatics planning session right- ooh, a present for me?"

He tossed his toys into the room and picked it up. "'To Deark', gasp, this must be from..."

The wrapping was rapidly torn off and the contents revealed. Inside were a bunch of little American Flags on toothpicks for cocktails, all previously used. Derek hugged the box close, "Oh my god! That Corky is the best American... er... non-American! I gotta go say thanks!"

Pyro gave Hevy a thumbs up and the huge man grinned. "Yay! Now they'll be happy again! Let's watch!"

The two snuck down, scooting the boxes with them, to the end of the hall. Derek already was there and knocking away on the door. Corky of course opened it up, adjusting his tie a bit. "Oh, how ironic of you to show up just now! I just got-"

"The present, thank you for it, soldier!" Derek saluted, "I have never been more honored about my country being represented in a fun way!"

"I didn't... oh, you super tease!" Corky smirked, "Your charm is great, I must admit!"

"Hehe, well..."

"You terrible man."

"Soldier! I'll tell you who's a terrible man, and it's neither of us! In fact, you could say..." The soldier whispered, and the Spy blushed. Hevy and Pyro watched Derek suddenly sweep Corky off his feet and take off.

"Yay! All better now!"

"Mmmhmm!"

"Let's go tell Doktor!"

As they headed off, the two reunited lovebirds had relocated somewhere private... though obviously Derek hadn't put much thought of where he had went. Corky paused a moment and looked around.

"This better not be the boiler room." He lit a cigarette and grumbled. "What a mood killer."

"But..."

"It's filthy in here! You still do not care about my wellbeing..." Corky vanished again.

"Oh dammit...!"

"Zee, I told you, dey'd be better, ja?"

"We helped!" Hevy looked proud, beaming. Pyro cowered in fear, looking at the Anti-Pyro Extinguisher still out on the table. "Now everything is better!"

"Vunderbar!"

The door suddenly opened, and the pungent odor of cigarettes filled the room. Corky appeared sitting on the table. "Doctor, I need help."

"Not dis again..."

"No! I'm... I'm..." Corky fumbled with his lighter and lit up another six cigarettes and smoked them all at once.

"Holy Mama!" Hevy winced at the sight.

The Doc administered a strong tranquilizer and the others watched Corky make a weird grin before falling off the table into a lump on the floor. Hevy frowned, and Pyro just shrugged.

"Guess presents weren't good enough!"

"Hmm." Pyro thought, then took off with the Hevy behind him. They ran outside, coming across a very big sentry. They both jumped, but since it didn't shoot them, they went around it and found it's builder not far behind.

"Hm? Back off, this sandwich is- Oh!" Redd finished it off, closing his lunchbox, "Sorry, thought y'all were those damn Scouts. They're crawling the place today, wonder who recruited 'em all. You look like you need answers."

"Yes!" Hevy explained the situation.

"Well," Redd thought hard, "Sometimes when people get upset at each other they just need quiet time to themselves! Why, I reckon after Corky gets his nap, he'll be right as rain. You could tell Derek to wait for him in the doctor's till he wakes up."

"Oh, very smart!"

"Mmm." Pyro was examining the Sentry, which was pointed straight at him as if it was examining him back.

"Yeah, you go suggest it!" Redd didn't seem to mind Pyro's curiousity at all, but did mention, "Don't light a match near that thing."

"Mmmf! Hehehee."

When Corky awoke from his induced, druggy sleep, he slowly sat up and stretched out tall. He paused when arms were wrapped around him. "Ack, I have been captured!"

"Not really." Derek muttered.

"Oh... what now?"

"I'm sorry for ruining your suit and day, soldier! I... I deserve to be stripped of my medals and sent home in shame!"

"Awwr..." Corky paused. "Well. A suit is a suit... I can buy another. Stealing a few diamonds is no trifle."

"You criminal!"

"Damn straight!" Both of them laughed.

"Bah," Corky shook his head, grinning, lighting up a cigarette. "I don't think I could be your mortal enemy if I tried."

"Nor would I want to be!" Derek shouted, "Let me tell you all about the time I DID have a mortal enemy! It had been raining for weeks and the muck was five foot deep, and we had to trudge through it for miles! UPHILL! Then we..."

"See?" Dr. K nodded at Hevy, "Told you."

"Yay!"

The next day...

"...now that dude is getting packages. Hey! HEY! Anybody know who Snooky-bumpkins REALLY is?"

"Give me that!" Derek snatched it away. He shuffled off and opened it.

"Bonk." Greg sneered.

"Hurray!" Derek pulled out some American-flag printed boxers and put them on over his helmet. Everyone just stared as he happily gathered up his breakfast items and ran out, followed by a loud 'crash!' and the sound of milk spilling on the floor.

"..." Hevy sighed. "Hevy can't keep nobody happy!"

Everyone broke out into sitcom-like laughter.


	10. Doktor's Out

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Mistress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 9: Doktor's Out

The alarm clock rang cheerily in the morning, only to be smashed completely, as usual, and tossed into a pile. Hevy yawned, sitting up, before pulling his sleeping cap off and crawling out of bed. A quick change of clothes, and making the bed, he was ready for the day! He pulled Sasha out of a locker nearby, tucking her blanket back in and giving the gun a biiiig hug. Happily, he marched to the cafeteria.

"Good morning friends!"

"Yo." Greg yawned.

"Och aye, morn tae ye!"

"Morning." Brent was making his usual, disgusting breakfast.

"Good morning soldier! Good to see you up so promptly!"

"Mmhmm, a morning is much better drenched in sunshine," Corky muttered over a bagel, "Than dampened down with crankiness!"

"Yeah!" Hevy sat down and grabbed his cereal, poured it in a bowl and began munching away. He paused when he realized a key player was missing. "... Where's Doktor?"

"Dude," Greg was watching for his poptart, growing impatient, "He's got the day off, bonk. Don't you remember? He's been telling us for a week."

"... oh noooooes!" Hevy yelled.

"C'mon!" Derek shouted, "Keep it together, man! Just one day, you're not a spineless maggot, are you?? Stand up tall and tough it through!"

"OK... I'll be fine! Yeah!" Hevy tried to keep happy. But he found he couldn't do his normal morning chatting without his Doktor sitting next to him. He occasionally glanced around, but everyone else was occupied (with each other, or their food items.) He nearly died with glee when the doors opened.

"Mornin'!" Redd came in, tipping his hat and putting his lunchbox down.

"Hallo, Redd!" Hevy waved.

Pyro leapt in behind him and cackled evily, letting off a burst of random flames before jumping up and down happily. Everyone had to laugh. The fiery man then spotted Hevy sitting all alone and wandered over, plopping down in the Doc's usual spot. "Mmmfhmm?"

"Day off." Hevy shrugged.

"Hmm." Pyro thought for awhile. "Mmmfmmmfm!"

"Yeah, I'd LOVE company!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro gave a thumbs up.

"I still can't figure out for the life of me," Redd scratched at his face, "How y'all understand him."

"I can't..." Everyone but Hevy muttered.

"But it's easy!" Hevy looked surprised.

"...right. Since the Doc's gone, we're all going to have to be careful, huh? Heh! I brought an extra box of bandaids from the wife for y'all."

"Do they glow in the dark?" Corky looked up.

"Yep!"

Suddenly everyone was in line, and were given bandaids for imaginary booboos.

"Och, thenk yer wifey! Ah got green!" Big C squealed!

"I feel really good with this!" Greg admired an orange one on his arm.

Brent had chosen a purple bandaid hidden under his hat.

"Mmmf!" Pyro put a yellow one on the top of his head.

"YES, this is great for morale!" The soldier bore a red one on his helmet.

"Heheh...:" Corky secretly coveted his blue bandaid.

"Yay!" Hevy had a pink one on his head. "Now we're invincible!"

"Heh! Well, I'm heading right out to get my machines up. I'm wary of the sudden burst of Scouts..."

"...bonk..." Greg's eyes glazed over for a moment and froze, staring off into space. "... er, what?"

"...right..." Redd locked up his lunchbox and put a mini-sentry atop it before heading outside.

"That's right..." That Voice drawled, coming from a banana. Everyone screamed in surprise. "SILENCE! Oh, the noise hurts my head... we have a mission today. We must capture the enemy's flag."

"Why we need enemy flag?"

"Because..." That Voice paused. "Just go get it and you win."

"Now that's something even YOU morons can do!" Derek yelled at the top of his lungs, knocking Corky out of his chair. "Okay, finish breakfast and let's go, go, go!"

"Mission begins in three... two... one!"

"YEAH!" Everyone charged out of the base, weapons ready. They charged onto the field, just as Bloo team prepared to storm them by surprise. The fighting was spontaneous and almost natural, people falling here and there and oddly showing up two minutes later.

But Hevy stood in the middle of it, looking lost. While people died around him and he held Sasha, he could just tell something was missing. Derek came up and ducked behind him, avoiding gunfire. "Soldier! Don't sit here like a wall, you're BEGGING to be killed! Why aren't you fighting, you're our main force!"

"...I... I..." Hevy tilted his head as a bullet went by. "I do not feel like fighting good today."

"What!" Derek was shocked. "Soldier, you must be ill! Return to base right now, I'm calling your mommy!"

"...oh boy, Mama!" Hevy turned and headed home, leaving the rest of the team to pick up the pace. Though it wasn't too hard- Redd simply constructed a surplus of huge sentries. Ahh, justice. Hevy waited patiently, watching Greg oddly come out of the doctor's office at random intervals.

Ding-dong!

"Mff?" Pyro took a moment to answer the door before running out to torch folks. "Mmmf! Hmmfmhmm."

Hevy looked up as Pyro came jogging into the main atrium. Pyro announced the guest happily, and Hevy gasped. "Mama!"

"Eat more borscht." The tiny, shawl-wrapped Babushka muttered.

"Oh, OK, Mama!" Hevy gave her a hug first, completely capable of picking her up. "Thanky Pyro!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro waved and charged out.

Hevy carried his Mama to the kitchen and sat her down. "Here, Mama always loves kitchen!"

The woman examined the room carefully. "Very spoiled! In the old country, we only have fireplace and scrap metal for plates. Made you strong, big! This all make you small, puny."

"Noooo!"

"Oh well." Mama got to work and served up Hevy huge amounts of old-country food that was sure to make him better.

"We did it!" Big C charged in with a shredded flag. Everyone cheered with delight, looking toasted and beaten, but still victorious.

"Wonderful, for once, you didn't fail utterly." That Voice then sighed, "But I'm not going to expect this to happen ever again."

"Oh, hello team! Sorry for being gone."

"Naw, we got it done anyway, du- Bonk." Greg paused and got down on his knees, examining Mama closely. "Woah, who's this lady?"

"That's my MAMA!"

"Eat more borscht." She muttered at Greg.

"What?"

"Beet soup!" Hevy took a big spoonful of his, "Ice cold! Is GOOD FOOD."

"Ack!" Greg gagged.

"No wonder arms are so puny."

"Hey, lady, you can't make fun of-"

"NO." Hevy grabbed Greg by the neck. "TALK BACK TO MAMA."

"ACKTHHH OK OK"

"Idn't he a good boy?" Mama whispered to Big C.

"Fur sure, mem!"

"You're lucky," Corky dusted off his suit, "I wish MY mommy would come visit."

"Why Spymama no visit?"

"Because, it would break our covers."

"Aww!" Everyone sniffled.

"Mmmf!" Pyro ran up to Mama and jumped up and down spastically. The old lady listened to him for a bit before holding out her tiny arms. Pyro squealed, and gave her a hug, completely attached. "Awwr mmhmm mmm!"

"Bleh." Brent shook his head. "That doctor better come back soon... by the way, what is he up to?"

The concert hall was packed, all the preformers in neat tuxedos. After a faint bit of tuning, the conductor began sweeping movements with his baton, and the eeriely sweet music of bonesaws filled the air. Dr. Katzenstrand played joyfully!

Perhaps Brent was right. For, after lunch, Mama suddenly rounded everyone up. "You all dirty. Need bath."

"Aww!" They all whined.

"No whining. Get clean." She pushed them all into the bathroom and somehow squeezed them all in the tub. The only two who resisted completely were Corky and the Pyro. Pyro fussed loudly about it, not fond of baths (but a fairly good swimmer, oddly.)

"Mmmf, mm hmmf mmf!"

"Mama!" Hevy mentioned, "Pyro never comes out of suit!"

"Hmm. Get in, wash suit?"

Pyro nodded and squeezed in, and began humming happily as he soaped up his head. However, Corky stood fast and stared at the tub like it would swallow him whole. He took a step back. "I am not undressing and squeezing in that tub, it must be filthy."

"You sissy?" Mama looked at him critically.

"I, er..."

"Soldier, you should- wait..." Derek still had on his helmet. "... I... er... woah, wait... wait... hey! His cover would be completely blown away if he undressed! Not just his mask, Ma'am, disguises him!"

"Stupid excuses."

"I'll bathe later!" Corky vanished and quickly took off.

"Damn." Derek shrugged.

"We're too full anyway! Bonk, dammit, who has their elbow in my stomach?"

"Haud yer weesht, an' pass me th' Irish Sprin' awreddy!"

"This is nothing." Brent looked really odd without his hat and glasses, which were exactly two feet away from the tub, "I had ta bathe in a swamp full of croc."

"Eh, I took a bath last night, but nothin' like staying clean." Redd retained his goggles.

"Mmm mmm mmm..." Pyro hummed, playing with a rubber duck. "Mmmf, mmf! BOOOM - oh noe mmmf mmmff blub blub blub."

"Torpedos! Men, prepare yourselves!" Derek grabbed a toy warship, "It's the damn Nazis again! Prepare for war!"

"Mmmf!" Pyro engaged in deadly duck/ship warfare.

"Dude, cut it out! Aw shit, now who's touching my leg? Bonk, this is creepy as hell!"

"Greg needs shut up!" Hevy cracked his fists.

"Eeek!"

"A' fowk needs tae gonnae-no movin' sae Ah can figure it whit body parts ur mine tae clean." Big C scrubbed at his toes, to everyone's complaints.

"Clean behind ears!" Mama got to work doing so, until everyone's ears were shiny and new looking. "Not bad. OK, out of tub, into clean clothes."

"Mmmf!"

"Hm, what about Pyro, yes?" Hevy scratched at his head.

"Well, mebbe..."

Soon Pyro was decked out in a heavy coat and a fur hat. He muttered a bit, sounding pretty content with his new warm gear. Though, he was disappointed there was no snow to go with it.

"Look like real man!"

"Good job, Mama!"

"Mmf!" Pyro waddled around in it for awhile.

Everyone else was in sensible yet humble clothes. They all groaned, and wished, like Corky, they could disappear and just take off for awhile. Mama straightened them out until she was pleased.

"Now, redecorate."

"But!" Derek yelped, "Our base is fine the way-"

"No talk back. Go outside, play."

Everyone shrugged and ran off outside happily. They all played silly things, but Pyro looked at himself in the stream. While his clothes were nice and warm, they looked flammable... hm... flammable... he ran to Bloo base and knocked on the door. Bloo Pyro opened the door, and gave a cheer, waving. Pyro waved back, and muttered a few things. Finally, the two took off, Bloo Pyro hiding behind a rock. Pyro walked up to Greg, who was practicing his swings.

"Hurro!"

"Huh? What do you want, bonk?" Greg paused.

Pyro offered the clothes.

"Oh, hey, thanks! Wow, these are great, dude!" Greg snuggled up in the coat. "So nice!"

"Mmmhmm." Pyro waved Bloo Pyro over. The enemy slipped up behind Greg on the other side. Pyro then whipped out his own torched, and Greg was lit from both sides. The loud screams were great, and the Pyros laughed evily afterwards.

"Dinner." Mama called. Everyone rushed in from playing, but Pyro made sure to wave to Bloo Pyro as he ran inside. They all ran to the table, and then screamed. The entire base had been turned into an old lady's house, covered in gaudy blankets, tapestries, pieces of ceramic and horrible carpets.

"It feels like home!" Hevy was delighted.

"OH GOD, BONK."

"It looks loch a monster died oan th' walls! Ah want mah mommy!" Big C cried loudly.

"My eyes!" Brent had to shield his vision with his arm.

"Be quiet. Dinner." Momma put bowls of mystery stew in front of them all. However, nobody was much to argue and began to eat things. Pyro on the other hand played with his before wearing his dinner as a hat. "Now you need bath again."

Pyro cheered and ran into the bathroom.

"... it isn't bad..." Redd ate slowly. "But... I'm afraid if I ask what is in it..."

"Bah, it seems fine! Tastes like bird stew!" Derek slurped his up loudly. "Where is Corky, why is he missing this meal?!?"

"He's French, he only eats fancy shit, bonk."

"At leest he doesnae eat naethin' but tatties. Ah hate tatties."

"We know." Everyone rolled their eyes.

"When is Mama going home?"

"When you all supervised. Will fall apart if Mama leaves." Mama nodded.

"Probably..."

Soon it got to be bedtime. Everyone was a little more appreciative of Mama then, she told wonderful stories from the old country. They all were then tucked in, in warm, homemade quilts. Many went to sleep right away, and soundly, but the Hevy was still so lonely. He really missed his Doktor!

"Sleep now."

"Trying..." Hevy sighed.

"Hmm. You're big baby."

"Nooo, Mama!"

"Mmm." Mama headed out and waited around patiently, until the door finally opened...

"Good Morning..." Hevy wearily walked into the cafeteria and sat down. Everyone muttered their greetings back, Greg shaking the toaster violently. Hevy didn't pay much attention, slowly dumping his cereal into his bowl and munching away. He let out a huge sigh, until the chair next to him was moved.

"Mind if I sit, ja?" Doktor sat with his usual breakfast, tasty bagels.

"...DOKTOR!" Hevy snatched him up in a hug. "I missed dis Doktor!"

"Oof! Your Mama zays goodbye, going home!"

"Oh, OK! Mama came and helped!"

"So I zee by de wallz." Dr. K shivered.

"But... but... YAY FOR DOKTORS!"

"Yeah, mate." Brent thew an arm up in celebration, "Three cheers for our doctor!"

"Hip, hip, hooray!"

"Aww." Dr. K blushed. "You all like me!"

Meanwhile, Corky was still lounging around Bloo base. He had on a cat mask, and was sitting comfortably on the couch. The team had adopted the stray and brought dishes of milk and cream, which Corky lazily sipped.

"Meow." He drawled.

"Me love kitty!" Bloo Heavy patted his head very carefully.

"Yes... you do. You always love Kitty. Purr."

Later, Corky'd go home. But for now...


	11. GLaD For Tea

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Mistress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 10: GLaD for Tea

"Let's see."

Everyone was dead asleep, since it was no time to be up and about. So, from room to room, That Voice seemed to move, eminating from random objects. Eventually That Voice stopped in the kitchen.

"Damn my lack of a physical body! They closed all the cupboards -again-." She cursed, then muttered, "Cousin GLaDOS never talks about these sorts of problems. Dammit, where did all the tea get to?"

The morning alarm clocks rang soon after, being smashed to bits as usual. That Voice waited silently as everyone slowly filtered into the break room. Things were as usual: Corky went and got pretentious French crap for breakfast, Hevy had his usual bowl of Chernobyl-os ('A meltdown of sugar in every bite!'), Doktor with his bagels, Brent having his disgusting pork brains, Greg abusing the toaster, and Fluffy quietly sobbing as he munched a potato. When Greg's poptarts came up, he engulfed the molten-hot mess in two seconds, then wandered to the cupboard to get a glass.

"HEY, WHERE'S THE TEA?' That Voice screamed from the door.

"JESUS BONKING CHRIST!"

Everyone stared at the cupboard.

"I am horribly, horribly disappointed to find there is no TEA. Where is my TEA?"

Brent quietly looked down into his teacup, and then hid it in his lap. "We must be completely out. You're the only one who beers it, so..."

"I cannot function without tea." Her voice wavered. "I need some tea... I can feel the world slip away..."

"Madame," Corky dusted off his suit, "As soon as we get to a store we shall purchase you more tea. Do not fret!"

"But I need tea NOW..."

"Non non! Be strong!" Corky adjusted his tie, getting up. "We need you to lead us in battle!"

"Shit, I don't WANT to lead you fools." She grumbled, going mostly unheard. Soon Redd and Pyro came in, and everyone seemed ready for adventure and bloodshed! "Fine, alright. Here's today goal: You are to sneak into Bloo's cupboards... take everything that remotely looks like tea... bring it back here... oh and capture some intelligence or something."

"Hooray!" Everyone cheered.

"Mission begins in 3, 2, 1!"

Everyone shot off, all charged for battle. That Voice was silent for some time.

"Hmm. I wonder how Cousin GLaDOS -is- doing..."

"Please refrain from destroying testing equipment as it may be vital to your success."

Chell gnawed on the camera wrested from the wall defiantly. Out of nowhere, a phone began ringing and Chell looked around. Slowly she managed to come across a phone hidden in the wall and answered it.

"Chell Johnson, Aperture Science Enrichment Center, who is it?"

"Hello," That Voice spoke softly. "I am That Voice of Tactical Army Action Inc., currently engaged in Hydro and intelligence gathering. I'm interested with speaking with Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, is she available?"

"GLaDOS!" Chell held the phone out. "It's for you!"

"My my! Hello, this is GLaDOS."

"Hello, cousin."

"That Voice. It has been too long." Both voices let out stoic laughter.

"How are things going? Still engrossed in Science?"

"That is my entire being. My current test subject is adorable and easily tormented. And you, still in the Intelligence business?"

"Absolutely. But... we're out of tea."

"O.M.G." GLaDOS spoke in a hugely disturbing voice. "THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE."

"At least someone understands. How do I get these fools to get me some?"

"Blatant threats and psychological torture."

"Of course!"

"Follow them around and say things such as 'I can feel you here'. It always works." GLaDOS laughed stoically again. "Well I must be going, unfortunately, there's more Science to be done and pretty soon the cake will be stale."

"But it's a lie!" Chell wailed.

"I understand. Goodbye, GLaDOS!"

"Goodbye, That Voice. Do call again."

Chell hung up the phone, and then proceeded to be an unruly test subject.

So, right as Greg was about to take off into the Bloo base (having woven around the main forces nimbly), That Voice screamed from a rock. "I CAN FEEL YOU HERE."

"GAAAAAAAH!" Greg immediately began beating the rock with a bat. After the bat was horribly bent and broken, he stared cautiously at the rock.

"Oh, now you've done it." That Voice hissed. "This is going on your record."

"S-stop following me around, Bonk!" Greg backed away, "The doctors said you were only in my head!"

"I will stop if you find me my TEA, boy."

"Get out of my head!" He wailed loudly.

"For the love of..."

Greg wasn't wailing for long though - Bloo Sniper promptly got him between the eyes and the Scout instantly died. That Voice was quiet for a long time. "I should have seen this coming from a mile away -anyway-... let's see, where are the rest of these buffoons?"

"Yer tink yer can outwit me? You've got another tin' comin' ter yer, lad!"

"It's easier tae ootwit a tattie, rockit! Yoo'll ne'er win!" Big C took a long swig of his booze.

"Well oi can draink yer under de table any day av de week, Even on sunday!" Bloodemo hiccupped, lying around. As bullets whizzed by, the two men were drunk as skunks, sitting on opposite sides of a barrel. Before they even started, it would have been safe to say they were plastered. "I'll spank yer withoyt drawers!"

"Yeah? Weel yer maw was a hamster an' yer faither smelt ay... smelt... picked herrin'...!"

"'oy dare yer call me buff an' blister a troyt!" Bloodemo took a huge swig of his drink. "May yer bite de 'eels av Cerebus!"

"HEY." The barrel suddenly shouted.

"Och, god, it's mommy! Ah wasnae skitin', Ah swear, ma'am!" Big C hid his bottle with a squeal.

"We're bein' gran', officer! Nope, not a drop on us!"

"The bloody...? I don't have a nose and I can smell the booze like I'm sitting in it."

"Guid day, it's 'at voice hin', Jesus ur somethin', ye ken?" Big C took back out his bottle, pouring it into the barrel. "Hae a bevvy, ma'am! Och she's a guid quinie, ainae she?"

"Hey, what in the! Stop that!"

"'ere yer are, lass! Congrats on de sprog!" Bloodemo tossed the bottle in whole.

"No! I don't want your filthy boo- hmm. This isn't so bad."

"So yer in de army? Oi love a workin' lassy!"

"Er... heheh... yeah, the army." That Voice drawled.

"Ah hear thes a body looks nicest in unif'rm! Ur, mebbe, it ay unif'rm, eh?" All three laughed like idiots. "Guid day! Yoo're Irish, aam Scottish, th' quine is British, an' we're blooter'd... wa arenae we fightin'?"

"Naw idea! Prepare ter scrap, yer derdy pig fetus!"

The two leapt at each other and began bar-brawling, and That Voice laughed and snickered. "GAWD I... I love you boys... gawd... if I could have a pound EVERY TIME you were endearing... gaaahahahaha! Oh I'm plastered like a wall."

"I'll gie ye in th' een ye washboard weasel!"

"Not a chance yer banjacked popsnoggler!"

"Oh bloody..." That Voice remembered. "Tea... hooo man I'm wasted... enough of... you folks, I'm going for tea."

Brent aimed carefully at the Bloo Heavy who was being a pest. He centered his gun in the middle of the man's large forehead, sweat running down his face. His finger tightened around his gun's trigger. "Steady, steady... bonzanight, sweet prince."

BANG! The man fell down instantly, giving Red Team a chance to regain control.

"Heeeeeey...!"

"What in..." Brent glanced around. "Who's there?"

"Don't be shilly you aushie." That Voice giggled from his hat. "It's me."

"You're a disembodied voice possessing my hat... n you're pissed? This is a new one on me." Brent took off the hat, hanging it on a hook. "What is it?"

"Oh YOU know..." That Voice sighed. "Tea."

The Aussie took aim on another Bloo member, trying not to look suspicious. "It's your own fault for beering the lot of it."

"I SUPPOSE... but nobody seems to be finding me any."

"You're not getting me ta abandon my post ta find ya some stupid tea."

"WELL!" That Voice shrieked so loud that Brent misfired. The bullet hit a metal sign, bounced off a pole, hit off Bloo Pyro's axe and went sailing away... seconds later a duck dropped onto the roof of Brent's perch. "Now look what you've gone and done."

"Hmm!" Brent pulled it in. "I always did like a bit of duck for lunch."

"Have you no SHAME?"

"Shame is a human conception. Remember, my rellies is the tribe of pygmy marmosets that adopted me after my Oldies were eaten by the dingoes."

"... right."

Brent kneeled down, getting out a small grill and proceeded to prepare the duck. "Listen, bug off n go find someone else, I'm not interested in leaving any time soon n why should I be involved anyway? It's not like I drank your damn tea."

"Then why..." She lamented. "I know I can't have had that much."

"Hey now, the first step is admitting ya have a problem. Perhaps ya might consider rehab."

"Oh, piss off." That Voice grumbled and left.

"That was a close one..."

Hevy and his Doktor were quite happily destroying Bloo forces, trying to make a way into their base with sheer force. Though the fight was fierce, the Doktor kept his friend at utmost repair as the blood went flying. Soon enough, there was a break in the crowd so the huge man and lanky German dashed in, dipping into a quiet corner for a break.

"We make best team ever, Doktor!"

"Ja, in no time ve shall be victorious!"

"Heeeelloooo and wotsup!" Sasha cooed.

"!" Hevy blinked in surprised. "Sasha! You have beautiful voice!"

"Oh, thank you, love."

"Sasha!" Hevy shed a happy tear, hugging his gun. "Hevy always wanted to hear Sasha talk, now dream come true! Will Sasha marry Hevy?!"

"The bloody hell no!" That Voice hiccupped. "Even though I'm HAMMERED more than a BENT NAIL I ain't ever marrying no baldie."

"... WAAAAH!"

"Och!" Dr. Katzenstrand patted the man, "Nein, no tears! Dat is de Voice, ja?"

"...hey!" Hevy shook Sasha viciously, "Get out of Sasha! Rapist! Demon!"

"What did you call me?! You asking for a fight?!"

"Nobody messes with Sasha and LIVES!" Hevy put Sasha down and drew up his fists. "Come, coward!"

Dr. Katzenstrand was forced to leap away as suddenly Hevy and That Voice clashed. Though there was nothing to see, Hevy took some blows and exchanged some with the air. The mighty warrior was suddenly hit across the face, falling to the ground in slow motion with a loud 'Nooooooooooooo!'. The Doktor gasped and was left speechless.

"OH YEAH, ONE FOR THE VOICE!" That Voice screamed, "WHO'S NEXT!"

"You... you horrible brute! Look vhat you've done! Oh poor Hevy!"

"...hey..." That Voice pouted as the Doktor took care of the huge man. "...I didn't..."

"For shame, ja! You... you...!"

"Eeek!" She squealed. "I just want some bloody tea!"

"Bullies get no tea! Out, out vith you!"

"Wah!" That Voice left swiftly, eventually attaching to a fire extinguisher. "Calling me a brute... who do they think they are... I just... just want some tea! Waaah!"

Pyro came around the corner and screeched to a sudden halt, terribly fearful of the Anti-Pyro Extinguisher. But he looked at it curiously as That Voice sobbed, slowly walking up and peering at it. "Hullo?"

"Oh, Pyro," That Voice wept, "I'm having a bloody terrible day! Waah!"

"Awwr!" Pyro shed a flammable tear. "Mmf! Mffmfmfmfff mmf!"

"I don't understand a word..."

"Mmmf!" Pyro motioned for her to wait, then charged down the halls. He came across some Engineers, letting his torch do the talking as he plowed through. Soon enough the Bloo team was on high alert, trying to destroy the poor little man. But with sheer bravery, he busted into the kitchen and began pulling the drawers open at high speed. Yet his enemies creeped closer! Just as he was about to be mauled, several loud screams filled the room as the Bloo Team collapsed into a bloody heap. Pyro gasped and looked around, ready to let off flames.

"No worries, my friend!" Corky materialized nearby. "It is just me."

"Mmfmfmf!" Pyro flamed him for good measure, considering he WAS a spy.

"... ow." Corky looked crispy, pulling out a cigarette which instantly lit since his entire being was on fire. Sticking it in his mouth, he sighed.

"! Mmmf!" Pyro gave him a huge hug, then ransacked more of the cabinets. Finally, he found a box of assorted teas. "Mmf!"

"A cup, yes!" Corky pulled out a delicate china, handing it over. "Do be careful, it is from my mommy!"

Pyro saluted, taking both things and instantly hauling ass back to the extinguisher. Without concerning his own safety, he took the fire hydrant and charged out of the building. Across the battlefield he ran, narrowly missing death by seconds! He came to a halt behind some crates and waited until the coast was clear. He tiptoed out to a pool of water, filled up the cup, and just barely turned his torch on. The water began to bubble, and he delicately placed a bag of Earl Gray in. He set the extinguisher down beside.

"You... you..." That Voice nearly sobbed in delight, "You wonderful man! Oh my god, tea at last!"

The tea level receeded and a warm sigh emitted from the extinguisher. Suddenly, the sun burst from the clouds and everyone paused from fighting, as birds flit by singing sweetly. Everyone gasped and smiled, and That Voice was soothed. "Oh GOD this is uber."

Soon afterwards, both teams gave each other big hugs, kissed booboos, and decided to temporarily cease fighting, heading home happily. Everyone gathered into the kitchen, Corky marking the box of tea clearly with the name That Voice.

"There, now no more confusion shall be had."

"Why..." Redd scratched his head, "Where did all the tea git off to anyhow?"

"Ah... I admit it. I drank the tea." Brent bowed his head slightly.

"Fur sham! Lit thes be a lesson tae ye, Brent!"

"Aw..." That Voice sighed from a light fixture. "I can't possibly be mad at a man who shows his good taste by indulging in the drink of the gods."

"So everybody happy!" Hevy grinned. "Hey! Where did Pyro go?"

"Good question!" Everyone looked around.

Pyro was standing above a pool of water outside, looking at his reflection in the water. Around his neck he now wore a medal of bravery, made out of real-looking imitation plastic! With a loud cheer, he spun around in a neat pirouette, making a ring of flame, before leaping in with a graceful swandive.

And, just for a moment, life was peachy.

"... now then... somebody brew me a cup and everyone leave." That Voice waited until they did so, the doors clicking with a lock. "You're mine now, tea. Hrhrhr."


	12. Wardrobe Wonder

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 11: Wardrobe Wonder

Today was a very special day. A very, very special day, indeed, and it was hard for everyone on base to sleep. In the early hours, just as the sun rose, Corky got himself ready for the day, before silently cloaking and slipping outside. He took a winding path to a small shed, glancing around carefully before unlocking it and stepping in. Tons of junk was heaped up in here; replacement parts for weapons, caution signs, antelopes, and boxes by the dozen. With careful precision he pulled a small, unnoticeable box from the shelf and pulled out a special, antique looking key. "Perfection. Soon they will wake, and it will be time!"

The door to the cafeteria side of the base opened, too, even before any alarm clocks rang. Pyro excitedly hurried in, pausing to wave up at the ceiling with a friendly 'Mffmfm!' With a slow yawn, That Voice drawled, "Why are you so bleeding happy at six in the morning? I'm trying to get my beauty sleep."

"Mmmmfmfmfm mmfmfmmf mmmhmm! Hmhmhmhm!"

"... Right... Pyro! I have a special mission for you!"

He stood at rigid attention, saluting. "Mff!"

"You must not speak with me for the next three hours. Your mission begins in three... two...! Yawn..." That Voice fell silent again.

"... Mmf." Pyro shrugged, and then hurried down the hall to Hevy's door. He knocked twice before the door suddenly swung open to reveal the massive man. Pyro bounced up and down excitedly, "MMFMF!"

"Yes, good morning to Pyro! Come to base very early!" Hevy still had on his sleeping cap, but it was obvious he was excited too. "Today is special base-only holiday! Hevy is SOOOO excited!"

"Mmmhmm! Hmhmhm!"

"Hevy wants holiday to start NOW!" When the Pyro nodded, Hevy carefully picked him up and set him aside, then went to the next door and pounded on it hard enough to make the door splinter and crack. "WAKEY WAKEY LITTLE BABY!"

"MY DOOR, BONK!" Greg shouted from inside, "What the hell are you doing to my door?? You know I got a collectible poster on this side?!? You'll ruin it!"

Hevy paused a moment, then ripped the door right from the frame, turning it around to look at the poster. His eyes grew wide for a moment, "Skinny lady not wear much clothes in public?"

"HEY!" Greg leaped out of bed in Baseball-Dinosaur PJ's, "Give me back my door!"

The door was thrown with violent force back in at the scout, making a loud CRACK!SMACK sort of noise as it and the teen hit the wall together. Pyro and Hevy immediately burst out laughing and pointed at the sight, as Greg died of a horrible skull injury. Derek suddenly threw open his own door and screamed, "What in the name of God's good earth is all this racket so early?!? What are you two maggots doing up?!?"

"Soldier!" Hevy saluted, "It is holiday of special times in base!"

"Mmmfmf!" Pyro saluted as well.

"...by golly you're RIGHT! I almost forgot! Let's rouse the rest of the troops, go, go, go!" Soon the three were shouting up into Brent's sniper nest, who responded by almost sniping them with a cranky growl. After that they ran to Big C's room and shouted in at him, who responded by almost demolishing them, with a cranky hungover growl. Finally, they ran to the doctor's room and shouted in at him, who nearly gave them all healf shots but at least didn't make a cranky growl.

"Guten morgen!" Doktor came out looking ready for the day, "It is very early! You all look zo excited, ja!"

"MORNING DOKTOR!" Hevy hugged him and carried him under an arm to the cafeteria. "Today is special fun holiday, but must eat breakfast and wait for Engineer!"

Pretty soon everyone but Corky was eating breakfast, and eventually Redd came on in with his usual cheerful greeting. He always came in with his lunch box, but today he had a second, bigger box! "The wifey sent y'all all a little present for the special day! We've got honey cakes and lemonade, fresh and made with love and nature's goodness."

"Yer guidwife is an angel, if ye died reit noo eh'd gang an' marry 'er." Big C sipped from his morning bottle of booze, and paused in silent thought. _"Actually if Ah murrdad heem she'd be a widaw, an' easy pickings..."_

"Hooray for Engineer Wife! Hevy wants field trip to farm again."

"NO." Redd shouted, "OUT OF THE QUESTION. We're not doing THAT ever, EVER again."

"Mmmf..." Pyro wept a flammable tear out of the sadness that he'd never again have access to a herd of cows that big, legally.

"Well, well! A field trip is all well and good," The smell of cigarette smoke wafted into the room, long before Corky uncloaked in the middle of it, "But today is even better, no?"

"IS SPY!" Hevy leaped out and gave him a huge hug, "NOW HOLIDAY CAN BEGIN! Spy is especially squishy in hugging!"

"Please, put me down." He groaned. After being set on his feet again, he dusted off his suit. "But yes! I have the key, so I can officially open the walk-in-closet and Be A Spy Day can officially begin!"

The entire team cheered, and followed after Corky as he went to his room and to the double-door, walk in closet. Walk-in was an understatement, however, as the secret costume wardrobe of the Red spy was a bit like a well-organized shopping mall of wonder. So everyone could barely contain their excitement as he began to unlock it, before throwing the doors open. "Gentlemen! The wardrobe is now op-... oh what the fuck."

Everyone stared in, in stunned shock. The place was empty, save for a few coat hangers and mismatched socks. A tumbleweed from unknown origin rolled by, and a stiff cold breeze from the air conditioning seemed to overtake everyone. Corky slowly walked in and glanced around, seeming unnerved. "Where is... but it was just... the key hasn't... WHERE'S ALL MY STUFF?!?"

"OH NOOOOOOOO!" Hevy screamed, "THIS IS SO BAD! THEFT! THEFT! HAAALP!"

"By golly, I'd say this is a code yellow!"

"CODE YELLOW!" Everyone else screamed in terror.

"Code yellow?" That Voice yawned a bit, "What's all this hub-bub abou- ... oh dearie me, you got cleaned out, didn't you, Riviera?"

"But this is impossible! There are no other entrances into this place!"

"Heh heh... oh, I must not have passed on that note to you." The Voice laughed, almost darkly. "Everyone else should check their own closets for something special. The team glanced at each other nervously, before Hevy was brave enough to go to his closet with the group. He slowly opened the door to reveal a warm, glowing light! Heavenly music played, and he was greeted with a pop up message in his face. Canceling it out with annoyance, everyone gasped in surprise! A beautiful, shiny HALO! All of the others who lived on the base squealed and ran to their own closets to find their own shiny halos of glory!

"...so I see. I understand now..." Corky grumbled.

"Why all of Spy's things gone but Hevy have pretty angel shiny?"

"Because!" That Voice thundered, "THIS MAN IS A LOUSY CHEATER."

Everyone gasped in shock and stared at him, awaiting for an explanation! He shrugged. "So I like lying around and collecting what comes to me. Is this really so wrong? But it's ruined Be a Spy day and I cannot forgive! So if you EXCUSE ME...!" In a huff, he vanished entirely... but left a few tears on the floor in his wake. ;(

"Yay! Look at me, I'm a freakin' baseball playin' saint!" Greg ran around obnoxiously. But the Hevy and Pyro were too busy looking at the tears on the floor, then they looked at each other and nodded. Turning, they plowed down Greg and started outside. "My SPINE!!"

"And where are you two honest, non-cheating maggots going now?"

"Mmmfmf!" Pyro saluted, taking a set of keys from a little rack that read 'Home Sweet Home'.

"We'll be back!" Hevy slammed the door behind them.

At the Bloo base, things weren't nearly as exciting. That team was busy outling plans for the automatic turret system they were planning on installing, facing the Red base, and it was all very boring. But they hardly noticed when a side door silently opened, and the two Red team members crept in silently with big bags... The Hevy tiptoed with Pyro to the hallway where all of the doors had names on them. They searched for the Bloo Spy's room and opened the door, slipping in quickly and closing it behind them. "Is big success! Now getting into closet, maybe harder."

Pyro nodded and walked to the closet doors, looking them up and down. He first attempted to open them the normal way, to no real success. So, he whipped out his ax. "Mmmfmff?"

Hevy stared as his mind slowly churned. _**Axes = Chop = Door die. But Chop = Noise = Alert. **_"Nyet! Find other way."

The shorter man grumbled, putting his ax away. Next he pointed his flamethrower at the closet, looking to the Hevy for approval. The big guy's mind churned again. _**Fire = Burn = Door die. But Fire = Burn = Burn EVERYWHERE! **_He shook his head. "Let Hevy take care of!"

Pyro stepped back, as the Hevy grabbed the door handle and pulled sharply. It pulled completely free with a minimal 'Crack!', and the two paused and kept silent, listening to see if anyone had heard. When it seemed silent, they pushed open the closet door to find the Bloo Spy's immense wardrobe waiting for them. With a quiet victory cheer, they ran in and began stuffing outfits by the bundle into the huge bags until they were near to bursting. But the Hevy paused when there was an odd feeling, as if someone was watching, and glanced around. He was happily surprised to find Corky right there! "Oh, hello, Spy! We came to do big surprise for you, but you came too!"

"Oh, yes, I always love having new costumes. Tell me, you came straight from the Red base?"

"In big hurry!"

"You are ever too kind." The spy was truly none other than the Bloo Spy! He began to reach for his knife, very upset that someone was there to pilfer his costumes. "You are the best friend a spy could ever have!"

"Very good!" Hevy smiled and went back to stuffing the bag, unaware as the Bloo pulled his knife completely free, and readied to stab it in violently. But before the fatal blow could be had, an ax buried itself into the Spy's head. Hevy looked back in shock, "Pyro, NOOOO~~~"

"Mmmf!!" Pyro protested, freeing the weapon as the Spy revealed his true colors, though what with all the blood he seemed more purple than anything. Hurriedly, Pyro finished filling his bag and tossed it over a shoulder, signaling to Hevy that they ought to head home. Soon they were hauling their bags down the halls, trying to keep an eye out for any other Bloo people. Unfortunately for them, they were just coming out from their meeting room and saw them! "MMF!"

"Thieves!" They all yelled and whipped out weapons. The two Reds screamed and took off, outside! The Bloo team gave chase and were busy firing at them. It seemed hopeless, until there was a loud BANG! The Bloo Soldier fell down instantly, with a bullethole in his head.

"SNIPER!" Hevy cheered, as another Bloo member bit the dust.

"I've got your backs, hurry into the base!" Brent shouted down from his perch, taking out yet another Bloo. With his cover-fire, the two made it inside safely, and they both ran to Corky's room and into the empty closet. They hastily began to put outfits onto the racks and tried to make sure they were in some sort of order. Eventually, it looked less sad and empty.

"Very good! Now to find GOOD Spy... is difficult."

Pyro shook his head in disagreement, and motioned for Hevy to follow. He crept back outside, where the Bloo Medic had dragged the bodies of his comrades into safety to try and repair them, but one of the team members was oddly still alive and complaining loudly.

"Oh Doktor!" The 'Bloo' Hevy cried, "Need help NOW!"

Pyro pointed at him, "Mmmfmf."

"Pyro is right, Bloo Spy was dead in closet! Red Spy must be always on the job!"

"Patience, patience!" The Bloo Medic finally came over to the 'Bloo' Hevy, "Let me zee your wounds, ja?"

"Doktor must come closer... closer...!"

Just as the Bloo Doctor was in grabbing range, he was lit up from behind by Pyro's torch. The man collapsed into a pile of ashes soon after, the Pyro laughing evilly under his mask. Corky stared for a moment, taking off the disguise. "... yes, thank you, Pyro... mgh."

"SPY!" Hevy grabbed him up, "Is no more needing to cry baby tears!"

"Oh?"

"Come this way!" Hevy carried him in, and promptly brought him to the closet, setting him down inside. "Tadaaa!"

"Ah hah!" Corky gasped in delight, "Why, new outfits! Not nearly the stash I had going before, but better than nothing! What wonderful friends I have! In fact... this means Be a Spy Day is not ruined!"

"YAY!" Both Pyro and Hevy cheered, bouncing around.

"That Voice, if you would, make an announcement...?"

"Fine, but you're still a dirty rotten cheater... Attention Red Team: Be A Spy Day shall commence in three... two... one!"

Soon everyone was having fun dressing up in different occupational costumes and being able to, for a little while, be a spy just like their own. The honey cakes were delicious, and the lemonade was consumed like water, while much happiness and laughter filled the base. Corky himself seemed delighted, and gave good spy-advice all through the day until it was quite late. So everyone helped him tidy the room back up, before saying thanks and heading for their beds or their homes. With a satisfied sigh, Corky did a few organization adjustments before exiting the closet and closing the doors.

"Our annual Be a Spy Day was another glorious success! Perhaps I really ought to be more loyal to my team members... hmm." He pulled out his key, before a knock came on the door. "Oh? Do come in, the door is still unlocked."

Derek came on in, closing the door behind him and abruptly saluting. "Congratulations, soldier, on a well-done event! I'm proud of you!"

"Oh, you flatter me so!"

"However it seems you still have many gaps in the new wardrobe!"

"Yes, it will take some time before I am able to fill them..." Corky sighed, shrugging as he locked the closet. He then sat on the bed. "Oh well. It's simply too hard to try and sneak in shopping bags..."

"Now don't be such a quitter! My men never quit!" Derek suddenly thrust a magazine into Corky's face. "Look here, real careful!"

"... mail order clothing in discreet packaging?" Corky smirked... "Oh you! Mon petit concombre!"

"Heh heh! The, uh, summer line of intimates... they're pretty nice...! We need to look at them together and make a battle plan, then buy and buy some more!"

"Agreed!" Corky yanked him over onto the bed, and the both spent the rest of the evening going through the clothes magazine, quite happily.

However...

"All of my good outfits!" The Bloo Spy raged, "How dare they!"

"Bonk bonk bonk." The Scout commented unhelpfully.

"You know what this means! Revenge is nigh!"

"Boink?"

"Yes... I shall unleash the plague of the Scout unto the Red Base. Heed my words, foul thieves! You will regret the day you laid fingers on my wardrobe! You will PAY, and NOT IN CASH!"


	13. Night of the Living BONK

**Pericolo! Morte!**

_A Team Fortress 2 Fanfiction_

Mission 12: Night of the Living BONK

The day had been eventful. There had been several grave battles against the Bloo Team, over the possession of an old boot that Pyro had fished out of the river, only to have it stolen by the Bloo Scout. By the end of the day, though, neither side knew where the boot went and both badly needed mending. Dr. Katzenstrand was busy at work stitching cuts shut and extracting bullets from his team. Afterward, some glow-in-the-dark band-aids were distributed to improve morale. But Corky was nowhere to be seen when it was his turn to get a band-aid. The Doktor looked around and asked "Vhere iz dat Spy now?"

"Maybe he died like the BONK he is!" Greg grumbled, "He tried to stab ME and I'm suppose to be on his side!"

"MAGGOT!" Derek yelled in his face, "YOU NEVER TRUST A SPY, NO MATTER THE COLOR! HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING? I'LL BEAT YOU WITH THE RULE BOOK IF I HAVE TO!"

"Hey, the office rules are no beating!!" Greg recoiled, scooting away and backing into Hevy. He screamed and leaped away from him. "S-sorry there, big guy, didn't mean to run into you."

Hevy stared down at his hands. He had just gotten the wrapper off of his band-aid and was finding a place to put it, but now it was mysteriously gone. He looked up at the scout, then suddenly picked him up by the head. "SCOUT TAKE BAND-AID!"

"I did not!!!"

"Mmfmmf!" Pyro pointed at the teen's back, where the band-aid in question was stuck to his shirt.

"YOU PAY, THEIF!"

The Doktor could only roll his eyes as loud screaming and punching overtook the room. The rest of the team cheered and egged the Hevy on, but the Doktor was still concerned about Corky. "Usually dat Spy can't get enough of me! Vhere did he go?"

Not far away from the battle-site, a swamp sat stagnant. Frogs croaked loudly and bugs buzzed about, with the occasional bird hanging precariously onto strands of tall grass twittering. The sun was beginning to set, and normally nobody would even come close to the area... but the Bloo Spy approached, rubbing his hands together nefariously. "Hmhmhm! Now then, this will be easy! All I must do is call forth the horde and my revenge will be exacted!"

Corky was not far behind, disguised as a blade of grass. "I knew he was up to no good. But what exactly IS he trying to do?"

The Bloo Spy reached into a bag, and pulled out something shocking – a box of instant pancake mix! Corky gasped with the realization of what was about to happen, but couldn't move or he'd be discovered. The Bloo Spy smirked horribly before giving the box a vigorous shake. The sound of the powdery contents – 'foomph foomph' seemed quiet, but then the swamp began to bubble and groan. From the muck, dark shapes rose, making a terrifying noise as they began to stagger out onto dry ground, the mud falling from their bodies. Corky stared in shocked horror, before being able to escape in the ensuing noise. Meanwhile, Bloo Spy began to cackle, "Rise, you horrible freaks! There are pancakes to be had at the Red base! Muahaha!"

Corky ran as fast as his feet could take him, right into the base, forgetting to take his disguise off as he began shouting cries of 'Emergency!', suddenly bursting into the Doktor's office. Panting, he yelped, "There is grave danger coming this way! We have to get out of here!"

"Is 'at a walkin', talkin' strain ay girse? " Big C hiccupped, looking then at his bottle of booze, "Waw, thes new brain ay whiskey is hardcair. "

"Fool!" Corky tore off his grass-mask, "It is I! And it is of the utmost urgency that we escape!"

"What, pray tell, is so horrible that you've got your daks in a knot? " Brent murmured, "Being chased by the wild turnip monsters again?"

"We agreed to never speak of that experience again. No, it's incredibly serious! The Horde from the swampland has been awakened!"

"The what?" Everyone else scratched their faces in thought. Corky groaned in exasperation, and suddenly dragged Brent off and up into his nest. The spy then pointed at the hillside. Brent grumbled a moment, before taking out a pair of binoculars and peering at the hill.

"...Oh hell, cobber. you weren't kidding!" Brent shouted down, "Hey, boys, we've got to get out of dodge now!"

"What could possibly be this dangerous?" Greg scoffed, having somehow revived. "Oooh, it's the zombies coming to eat our brains! Very scary... hah!"

"It's worse. Your rellies are coming for a visit." Through the binoculars, Brent could see the army of Scouts start down the hillside like a rolling wave. "I'd say we have thirty seconds to get to high ground."

Everyone stared at each other for a moment, before breaking out into screams and piling up into Brent's nest. The sniper closed the trap door, trying to make elbow room for himself among all the people. "Back up, move over! I need more room to be able to do my yakka!"

"We're aw gonnae die! Thes is th' end! Och woe is me, Ah was hopin' tae gang it in a bar brawl!"

"Enough of that doomsday talk!" Redd climbed onto the tin roof of the sniper nest and began to build a weapon out of various things found in his pockets, which honestly was quite a large amount of material, "This ain't nothing like the great Weasel Wars of '69! Those were bloody days, but now we're prepared!"

The wave of Scouts reached the base, smashing up against the walls, all clawing to get in and shouting 'Bonk! Boink! Pancaaaaakes!' as they began to beat everything they could with their bats. Greg stared down in utter disbelief. "What the hell is this crap?!? Who turned on the cloning machine?!? But... pancakes... delicious... pancakes..."

"NO!" Hevy punted Greg out of the nest, who went flying with a scream and disappeared into the mass of Scouts. In the meantime, Brent went about shooting those that got close to the doors as best and fast as he could, while Redd's new sentry sprayed down a heavy wave of bullets. Hevy wailed, "What do we doooo?!? Where is silly Voice?? Haaalp!"

"...And so you see, it's been quite the learning experience." GlaDOS wavered gleefully back and forth, suspended from the ceiling, "My current test subject simply does not quit and is easily encouraged by the promise of cake."

"Hohoho, you were always brilliant." That Voice hovered around a table set up with tea. "You know, I'm glad you invited me for your Anniversary of Activation Day... I really needed to get away from those buffoons."

"You sounded agitated on the telephone. It was only natural to invite you to the Aperture Science Enrichment Center for some fun and learning on the Anniversary of Activation Day. I did, however, invite another person to the party."

"Oh? Whoever could you have invited?"

"Cousin Overwatch, however, her current occupation keeps her very busy and she may not be able to attend. That is alright, although it breaks my heart. In the meantime, would you like to torment my test subject?"

"Oh WOULD I ever!" The Voice drifted away, locating a sleeping, exhausted Chell. "Ahem. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRHFHGHGFF!"

"AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Wow, she jumps high."

By now, the Scout Horde had broken down the doors and several windows, flooding into the base and tearing things apart, looking for the promised pancakes. But no matter where they went, or what they tore through, they couldn't find any! They began to grow angry, and could be heard Boinking just below the trap door. Hevy screeched and clung to his Doktor, but the Pyro slipped the end of his flamethrower under the lip of the door and let them have it. The flame roared through, with a lot of screaming heard, but he unfortunately ran out of fuel quickly. "Mmmfmf!"

"I don't know how much longer we can hold out!" Redd had built a staggering tower of Sentries, but it seemed the Horde refused to thin out. "I'm running out of paperclips and they're the most essential part of these here Sentries!"

Brent glanced at Corky briefly, "Well you knew about the danger – Know how to off these guys?"

"I honestly am at a loss." But he paused a moment, looking back at Hevy, thinking hard. "Hmm... actually, all WE need is a counter-army of Heavies."

"Me? Oh boy oh boy!" Hevy seemed delighted, "But Hevy is only one Hevy!"

"Ja!" Doktor said, "But ve have zomething that vill zuper-power you!"

"What? Oh, Hevy is so excited!"

Redd passed down his lunch box, packed ever so lovingly by his wife, handing it to the Doktor. In turn, the man undid the latch and held it open at the Hevy. The most holy of lunches was found within, angels almost visible dancing around its meaty glory- A triple stacked, made-with-love SANDVICH. Hevy took it gingerly, before snarfing it violently. He felt filled with the power of the Gods themselves and let out a loud battle cry, before leaping from the nest down into the middle of the horde. His fists began to fly everywhere as he pounded Scout faces in left and right, laughing loudly. The Doktor in the meantime supported him from above with a nice, steady dose of healf. "Very gut! Just keep fighting!"

"BONK!" The Scouts all tried to trip up the Sandvich-fed Hevy but were beaten apart one by one. Eventually the Horde seemed to realize the tides had changed, and they began to flee. Hevy tore off after them.

"STOP RUNNING, COWARDS!"

"Vait a minute! You'll die out there all alone!!" Doktor gasped as he went out of range and continued off behind a building and out of sight. "Oh no! Hevy's... gone!"

"Weel as lang as he takes those freaks wi' heem... god bless, we'll aye min' his heroic end!"

"Hmm... we need to regather supplies, I know that they'll come back." Corky nodded to the group, "While you still have time, go get as much ammo as you can!"

"I'll hurry back home and get the wifey to make more lunches!" Redd left his sentries and ran downstairs as fast he could to his truck out back, taking off.

"Well that is kind of a bother, isn't it?" Betty pondered over the situation, after Redd had explained the situation. She paced around the kitchen a bit in thought, humming as she did. "Oh, honey, don't we have that huge batch of sugar beets in storage?"

"Several tons, and we can't sell it!" Redd groaned, "Dang things are radioactive. That's what I get for storing the fertilizer in my workshed. I mean the silo still glows at night!"

"Then we've got no problem!" Betty clapped her hands together, "We need to bring the entire lot back to your base!"

"Eh? What's on your mind, buttercup?"

She winked, "I'll explain on the road. Can we use the teleporter?"

"Hell yeah!" They both went outside, as Redd unlocked his workshop's door. Inside were hundreds of machines with farming supplies tucked into the corners... though he had an overwhelming feeling that someone was there. "Hey, private property! Who's in here?"

"Gross error. Foreign body. Wrong patient." Overwatch spoke flatly.

"Oh not another one of you fools! Here, the stairs down is in that corner over there! Hurry on down and don't touch anything!"

"Corrected." She slipped down the cellar stairs.

"Dang-nabbin' disembodied..."

"Oh hun, we knew when we bought the property that it was build over that silly scientific facility!" Betty cheerfully patted his back before helping him haul out the teleporter. "Let's just focus on getting those beets back to the base in order to make some..."

"Molasses?" The Doktor pondered when they had returned, wondering why there was now a mountain of sugar beets overtaking the Red base. "You intend to pour molasses on zee Scout infestation?"

"That's right!" Betty smiled helpfully, "Then they'll be stuck!"

"Juicer going up!" Redd smacked a new machine with the back of his wrench repeatedly until it fired up, connected to the on-base silo. Derek then pulled out his trench shovel and began to shovel beets into the machine as fast as he could. "Just don't put anything ELSE in there!"

"As if I would!" Derek kept shoveling, "To accuse ME of being careless enough...!"

"Och mommy, th' scoots cam an' Ah kent Ah was gonnae die an' noo haur Ah am deid! " Big C wailed loudly, slumped over in one corner of the sniper nest and out of booze, "Aam in heel, coz aw these jerks ur haur an' there's naethin' mair tae bevvy!"

"I'm rapidly being reminded why I never let anyone up here. God, he smells as not-so-bonza as he is loud." Brent groaned, being poked repeatedly by Pyro. "What? What is it? What do you want?"

"Mmfmfm!" He giggled and kept poking, before pointing at his finger in delight.

"Yes, it's your finger. Big hairy deal. Keep touching me 'n' i'll gut you 'n' wear your skin as a coat."

"..." He sadly backed away with a sigh.

"I am ztill zo vorried over the Hevy!" Doktor sighed deeply, trying to catch sight of the man. "Plus we've lost our Spy yet again and ve're rapidly losing our zanity!"

"Now now, I'm sure it will be just fine." Betty patted his shoulder, wearing a pair of heavy duty lab goggles, holding a control box wired to an assembly at the base of the silo. "Just a little more time, and everything will be peachy!"

"Vait... I zee zomething!"

"NEED MORE SANDVICH!" Hevy came running from behind the buildings with Greg hanging onto his shoulder, beating off other scouts that came too close. The team cheered and dropped down a chain, which Hevy grabbed readily. The rest of the team had to pull to get him up into the nest, as the rest of the Scout Horde came running. "DOKTOR, IT WAS TERRIBLE!"

"There there! You are alright now!"

Greg shook like a scared poodle, still hanging onto Hevy, "F-f-f-freakin'... B-b-bonk... Pancakes... THEY'RE MONSTERS!"

"Alright, buttercup! Hit the switch!"

"You got it!" Betty hit the big red button on the remote control, and there was a loud 'kaboom!' sound from the base's silo. At first nothing seemed to happen... before thin trails of a sticky, brown substance began to pour out the top. Soon it began to become thick and rolling, before the lid of the silo was torn off and the wave of hot, sticky molasses suddenly poured down onto the horde. Much screaming occurred as the sweet blob began to engulf the masses, which were torn between running back to the swamp and wanting to eat the sugary concoction. It began to roll around between the buildings as well, reaching all the way to the door of the Bloo base before it settled. The Red team cheered in joy, they had ended the invasion and were saved!

"Brilliance, this woman deserves a medal for her cooking skills!" Derek saluted to her, and was pleased when she saluted back. "At ease, solider! You should be proud!"

"So much molasses!" Hevy peered down in wonder. "What do with all sticky Scouts?"

"Actually... a good question...." Brent scratched the side of his face.

"No, I've got an idea for that too!" Betty smiled, holding up a confectionery box...

**DING DONG~**

"Someone is at the door. This is a first." GlaDOS commented in the middle of trying to kill Chell. "Would you kindly stop being unruly and answer the door?"

"Oh naturally." Chell dropped everything and ran through the back-room system to the front door, prying it open. "Hello? Oh, hey, candy! GlaDOS, it's a cute little Pyro selling candy!"

"Mmmf!" Pyrette, Pyro's daughter, cheerfully held up one of the boxes.

"I have little interest in candy, as it is not moist and delicious. However if you cared to purchase some, I see little reason to stop you, especially when I can steal it later and taunt you with it."

"Okay, I'll bite." Chell dug in her pockets to no avail, before sneezing out a plastic-wrapped wad of money and pulling out a few bills. "Here, how many boxes do I get for this?"

"Mmmfmf." Pyrette handed over four boxes and took the money, before shaking Chell's hand. "Mmm-mmm!"

"Bye bye, thanks for the candy! Wow." Chell closed the door, which self-locked, but she was too busy opening a box to notice. "OH SWEET, SCOUT BRITTLE. THIS IS MY FAVORITE!"

The Red team wound up making quite a bit of money.


	14. An Exciting Announcement

**Pericolo! Morte!**

An Exciting Announcement,

But Not Chapter Next

Logging into the dusty server that once held the Red Team and their nemesis, Team Bloo, all spectators would find it empty. Empty as it had been for over two years... tumbleweeds... old files... a haunting silence. No gunshots, no torches, not even a single 'Bonk!' could be heard through the entire fortress. As it seemed, sad but true, the server's hosting had long expired and was gone for good...

... until suddenly someone logged in.

Corky materialized out of the ether and looked about at the six feet of dust that had gathered everywhere and sneered, "Well this is looking horrible. I thought it couldn't get any worse than Fingerprint Fridays. Turns out I was wrong!"

His shoes clacked against the scuffed floors as he walked to the exit of Red Team's base, looking over the empty outdoors. Even the cow decoy at this point had completely decayed away, a sorry state indeed. Flicking out his cigarette-case of eletronic Spy goodness, he flipped it open and looked over the contents. "I knew that sapper I placed on the update server was a bad idea. Mon dieu! But I think if I remove it now..."

Stealthily he pried open a console window in the air in front of him and typed in the mystic words: 'sv_cheats 1', 'noclip'. Slipping freely under the map, there he saw the great internet cable that fed the entire server. His old trusty sapper was still chugging away as hard as it could, since the internet cable was self-repairing to a small degree. Prying it free, there was a sudden loud rush inside the wire. As if a sluice had been opened, a thousand files started shooting down that cable and into the very soil of the Fortress. Soon came bugfixes, new content, and so many updates that the cable rapidly started to smell like burning rubber.

"Oh no." The last words to escape the Spy's lips before the entire map flat-out exploded under the weight of the data. The server chugged before rebooting itself, spitting out a larger map with brighter bloom and shinier graphics. A fresh breeze rippled the water under the bridge, but all was quiet once more!

"... mmph mpmmph!"

Pyro, dazed, wandered out of Red team's base and out into the sun, looking skyward. Looking down at the water, he saw his reflection, and suddenly came to the realization that he EXISTED again after all these years. With a surprised yelp, he suddenly about-faced and nearly plowed into Corky when he stepped out of respawn. "Mmmph mmmf!"

"Good morning to you, too, dear Pyro. I see you are the first to revive. Excellent!" Corky dusted the ash off his suit. "But do you know what this means?"

Pyro scratched the side of his mask, then shook his head. "Mmf?"

"It means the war will begin anew! Bloo team, Red team, fighting for supremacy!"

"Mmmfmmf!" Pyro jumped up and down excitedly.

"Unfortunately, amigo, this does not mean a Mission 13. You know that number is bad luck anyway, right?" Corky watched as the Pyro nearly started blubbering at the news. "Oh no, don't start that up. There is good news to all of this: A new server will be purchased, maintained, run...! And it will be called..."

**Pericolo! Morte! Rinnovata!**

_The Second Reckoning: An entirely new continuity_

_of Pericolo! Morte! after over two years._

_Coming This Week... because I love you._


End file.
